I’m blogging a day early because I’m heading to New Orleans tonight for a long weekend with some Burner friends. I am currently feeling excited about this trip but I had a lot of anxiety about it for a while because while I am friends with these people, I don’t know everyone super well and I worry that I won’t be comfortable/at ease the whole time. I know it’s ok (and even a good thing!) to not be comfortable all the time, but I found myself considering not going because staying home is just easier–there are no unknowns to deal with. Home is my comfort zone. I learned this from my parents, especially my mom, who has no interest in travel whatsoever. They are both very content with their routines and actually prefer home to vacations. Further, my mom is a proponent of never leaving your comfort zone. While I know this is not how I want to live my life, I can’t deny the impact they have had on me in this regard. So I have an ongoing internal conflict between wanting to travel and have new experiences and wanting to stay comfortable. Ultimately, I decided this trip is a great opportunity to practice surrendering. I get to go, notice what feelings come up, acknowledgment them without judging myself and remember that it’s ok to feel uncomfortable sometimes.
I also found myself trying to control the situation with a guy with whom I have been on a few really nice dates. He was leaving to travel for work and I found myself wanting to try to squeeze in another date with him before he left so I could feel like the relationship is more solid. I realized I was trying to force things so I acknowledged the desire and then let it go. I get to practice patience as well as surrender.
While my goals this cycle are not as measurable as some, I feel like these are exactly the things I want to be working on right now in my life. I am aware of the opposing desires to both control things and surrender and am finding it interesting to try to honor both of these callings. I’ve been paying more attention to the surrender goal than to the self-love one, but I am finding that they go hand and hand.