Overwhelm is a choice. My mind was blown when Advanced Ed first introduced this to me. Overwhelm was certainly something that I chose on the regular and it sure as hell didn’t feel like a choice. But like anything else, apparently it takes practice.
I am proud to say that I had the opportunity to practice this week. On Monday, work got crazy as all of the sudden and I was juggling two crazy billion dollar closings. I had my small group meeting on Monday night. And last week, I mentioned to the attorneys working with me on these deals that I had a meeting that I couldn’t miss. And so, in the middle of the craziness I ran out to my small group meeting at Emily’s. The piece that really felt good was that I was able to be present for the two hours during the meeting despite knowing that I had to go back to work after and it was going to be a late night. That never would have happened years ago. Even if I would have made it to the meeting, I would have been antsy the whole time. Not on Monday. Because overwhelm is a choice and I did not choose it.
I actually referenced Kyla at the meeting – remembering that she had a great post cycles back in which she discussed overwhelm as a choice – saying something along the lines of – it’s not the 20 things on your to-do-list that creates the overwhelm, it’s your reaction to the 20 things on your to-do-list. That really resonated with me. The meeting was great. I went back to work energized and was there until 12:30am.
Last night I went to therapy (a social worker) for the first time in years. I told her that I am feeling better than I have in many years, maybe ever. But the reason I am here is because I want to work on 1) anxiety (and how to deal with it better) 2) vision – have a better understanding of why I haven’t felt worthy to create one for myself until now, and to get cracking 3) intimacy – while I have just come out of the healthiest relationship of my life, where I learned so much about love, trust, acceptance and partnership, I want to continue to understand what I want and need so that I can find my partner.
I felt open, free, trusting, vulnerable, inspiring…I concisely gave her my whole shpiel and it felt really good. I told her all about my struggles and the work that I have been doing. Occasionally she would pipe in with a poignant question. After describing feeling like a fraud in my 20’s, she asked me if I feel like a fraud now. I said sure. But then I thought about it and I didn’t connect to that word at all. I DON’T FEEL LIKE A FRAUD ANYMORE. I feel integrated. I feel like me is starting to come out again. I feel like I have a lot of work to do in creating a vision, BUT I DO NOT FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. WOW!!! That’s some serious good shit right there.
Today, work was nuts again. I felt the pressure of trying to wrap things up so that I could do my growth challenge and write my blog post. I left work at 10:50. I deliberately did not take a car service so that I could meet someone on the train. I met Chelsey Hill on the 2 train. She teaches kids art and is a singer. She is from Nebraska, has been living in the Heights for the last two years and loves it. I asked her what she could do today to make her life better. She thought for a while and then said, update her website. I asked her what she could put in place to make that happen. She said she needs 20 min. She has been at work since 6am and was on the train with me. She agreed to do the 20 min tonight!!!
This is the quickest blog post I have ever written.
NOT CHOOSING OVERWHELM. JUST GETTING IT DONE.
Growth challenge – I am 15 for 15!!!
11:59, blog post is in!!!