What’s got your goat?

My third weekend song (I think) was ‘dare you to move’. At the time I thought it was ridiculous to consider making a move in life without a plan. I now realize you can’t make a plan without moving. While confusion and frustration are present in my life, being in motion has been so empowering. Two of my seniors are in this group so once again – thank you. Learning this lesson is a reminder to be open to new ideas (resistance is futile), and to listen to the wisdom in my life.

This week has been great! Hubs and I went to the bank to start our mortgage approval process. I run from numbers and details so compiling paperwork is torture for me, but he has been great about taking the lead! Taking this step also allowed us to engage in conversation about where we’d want to live, with serious consideration to new and different places than I has felt we were open to before. It created a shift in me, at least.

As for my fun goal, I engaged in some short-term and long-term fun. Short-term fun involved taking time to watch The Handmaid’s Tale, which I am loving. 

I also went on a three-day retreat on a farm in Baltimore for a graduate school fellowship. There I utilized breaks to walk in the fields (I jumped when I saw a flower and really felt like a NYer), played with goats, and sang with my fellowship cohort around a bonfire. During my time there I didn’t check work or personal email, or think about any ‘to do’ items. I ate well and enjoyed. It was a super relaxing to get away from life for a few days.

It was also interesting to note that I was excited to come back to my life (even though the retreat highlighted ways I am struggling spiritually in NYC), but I don’t really want to go to work tomorrow. Womp womp.

The rereat also gave me opportunities to apply a few theories from organzational psychology, and I found it exciting! It allowed me to play with the idea of myself as and organizational psychologist and I liked it.

While on this retreat I once again struggled with an unhealthy narrative I have, most likely a response to having a neglectful parent. I always assume no one likes me, wants to get to know me, or talk to me. In large or new social situations I am constantly paying attention to how often I’m alone, how often other people get approached, and how quickly others bond. I get these waves of feeling unlovable and forgotten. I can think back to many times that I have avoided social situations because of this fear. It was good to name it this context and work through it, even if just a little.

[Not related to my goals: Another emotion bubbled up for me at the retreat. There was one guy on the program who seems to have it all together – great friends, awesome wife, going to a top MBA program, and is super charismatic and funny. I am equal parts jealous…and interested to get to know him and understand his ‘secret sauce’ to life. I then learned from a friend that he cheated on his wife within the first few months of their marriage, and most likely has done it before. I didn’t know how to relate to him during the program. I didn’t want to judge him and I didn’t want to tell him I knew, so we couldn’t talk it out. Being around him brought up a lot of emotions. What I think I am taking away from the experience is the knowledge that we all only know so much about other people, it is easy for me to make up stories about how everyone else’s life is perfect but mine isn’t, and that I should really just be focusing on my own growth because that is when good things happen.]

I also engaged in long-term fun this week. Mother’s Day was an opportunity to face, and work through, some tough family dynamics. It wasn’t easy at the time but yeilded healthy results.

Tomorrow we have out first small group meeting and I am super excited!

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2 thoughts on “What’s got your goat?

  1. So glad you had the chance to get away and that you are making strides in your real estate goal. Super duper exciting. As for the man who cheated, I am wondering what came up for you when you learned that…why was it challenging to be around him?

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    1. Thanks, V. I appreciate that you asked this. They way he has been cheating has involved him asking lots of people to lie on his behalf, which I can’t respect. I also don’t like having a secret. But mostly, I really struggle when I can’t talk things out with people. If I could have addressed it with him I would have been so much calmer.

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