Back from a first ‘first’ date in three years. Another first date tomorrow. How did that happen? I have no answer other than my message to the Universe is being heard and I’m on the right path.
Tonight’s drinks were a total blind date, a nephew of a colleague working on my floor. We were chatting last week during a monthly department lunch and she declared at the end ‘I have a perfect guy for you.’ I didn’t want to upset her by contradicting and since I had no way of knowing whether she was right (even though I usually take such statement with a bucket of skepticism), I thought ‘why not.’ We met tonight in a speakeasy in LIC near my office. Very cool place. Very nice man. Interesting conversation, laughs and flirting, an excellent way to spend a hot ‘almost summer’ evening. No chemistry, but still a great way to get back in the water.
I noticed a huge difference in my way of being around people this week and especially tonight. All boiling down to getting back some of that self confidence I feared was lost forever, and which I missed so dearly, like a dependable friend who knows me well and can always be counted on, who suddenly disappears to parts unknown.
A triggering event was a huge recognition I received at work for a deal I was advising on which closed on Monday.
A bit of background as to why it’s such a big deal for me: I have started my current job only in January, with a lot of hesitation and after a year of unemployment which tested my self esteem in every possible way: countless promising networking meetings leading to nowhere in the end, several dead ends after 10 rounds of interviews stretching over 4 months only to find out I was not selected for the position in the end (recruiting process in my area of law and at my level usually takes several months and involves meeting= interviewing with 15-30 people), several ones when I got the offer after months of interviews only to find out it was way below my stated salary expectations with no room for negotiation. And in the meantime, incessant pressure from head hunters to interview for positions that pay very well but in areas of law I had zero interest in or worst, at slave house type law firms, with their 70h work weeks and total loss of personal life. After all these disappointments and living off on savings for a year, the current job offer seemed too good to be true: I really connected with my current boss and liked the colleagues I interviewed with, job dealing with cutting edge emerging technologies which was exactly the area of law I wanted to transition into, excellent pay and, almost unheard of in my field, 9-5 work schedule with flexible telecommuting.
After four months at the new position even though everything was going well, I see now that a part of me kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. What do I do you ask? I negotiate deals for the bank to acquire new technologies to implement internally and bank partnerships with large tech companies to streamline services provided to clients. On Monday I closed a particularly difficult deal, a perfect storm of short deadlines, difficult and prominent counterparty and internal team of 30 spread on three continents. It landed on my desk partially because other lawyers refused to work on it, party because I was the newbie in the group and a test was needed I guess. When it finally ended Monday and all necessary contracts were signed, I sighed with relief for a job well done.
But I was not expecting the deluge of congratulatory messages the next day, including several through ‘Citi Gratitude’ system designed to recognize special contributions, phone calls and emails sent from three continents to my boss (which he promptly forwarded to me: he’s awesome that way). Getting home that day I hardly needed the train, I could’ve flown over the East River, I was feeling light like a feather and so full of joy. Standing on the elevated platform waiting for my 7 train back to Manhattan, reading blogs of other PSPLifers which made me smile, enjoying the wind playing with my hair and enjoying the setting sun. Little did I know that I was being watched. As I was getting out of my reverie, I noticed a man watching me and I held the gaze for like a second and, gulp, smiled! He approached me, we started chatting on the train, and by the time we reached TSQ, a date was offered and accepted. We’re going out Friday. No expectations other than stretching my romantic muscles and having fun!
Now I see how heavy a burden the lack of confidence was over the last two years, because I wasn’t earning any money, because I wasn’t doing what I always thought I was very good at, because the career I build carefully over many years was getting derailed so badly. It reminds me of the heavy armor we are taking off in one of advanced ed exercises. Off you go!
My weight loss goal has not been progressing much the last two weeks, I only lost 2 pounds, so I’m planning to do a 3-day juice cleanse to break through the plateau and to keep very active during the weekend.
Meditation/visualization: on track. Daily evening visualization of a happy romantic relationship and I started sleep meditation as well with great results.
Photography goal: two new photo albums processed and sent to the web designer. Check.
Sunday: a very fun photoshoot with Naomi and Hadar. Thank you both for your trust during this process!