Emasculated

Past week was a very mixed bag of feelings, experiences and emotions. 

Friday date was, well, a bust. We met in West Village. He looked and smelled really good. But that’s where the positives end. He asked me what I wanted to do. He made no reservations, he had nothing planned. Major turn off for me. And the turn offs kept coming. During dinner he didn’t ask me anything about me and just talked a lot about himself and his ‘crazy exes,’ when the check arrived, he wanted to go Dutch, and as we were saying goodbyes, he asked me is he could kiss me. I feel hesitant writing this because I have been told in the past that I ‘want too much’ and am ‘very picky’ but all his actions made me feel totally ’emasculated’ less of a woman and that’s the last feeling I want to experience on a date.

When he texted me the next day ‘Wanna do it again?’ and I responded with a no, his response was ‘wanna be friends with benefits instead? Deleted and blocked.

I see this as a sign that there is still too much fear in me that the ‘what I don’t want will happen’ instead of excitement about ‘what I do want will happen’ so the universe delivered just that.

Yesterday was a very cathartic kind of day. As part of moving on, I’m letting go of most of my furniture that reminds me of my ex. We were in the hot and heavy stage when I was moving into my current apartment and he played the perfect boyfriend and put together most of the furniture, painted the walls and nailed stuff to it.   This relationship ended extremely badly, OJ Simpson meets The Shining badly. I was physically free when he suddenly died of heart attack at age 40, but emotional scars remained. Now that he’s gone and buried for almost two years and not reappearing in my life anymore to wreak havoc anew, it helped a lot with the healing. Letting go of reminders is just the next step. I wanted to do it for a long time but being unemployed delayed things. Now that I have a steady job, I ordered new furniture and donated the current one to charity. They came yesterday and picked it up. Watching it all go brought such a sense of peace and relief. I wish the new users all the happy moments attached to them without any of the excruciating ones.

Other wellness goals: I did my 3 day green juice cleanse, I felt great the entire time. But, and a big one: zero pounds lost showing on the scale. This is very frustrating. I scheduled a thyroid check up for June 10. I’m keeping fairly active, logging 5miles of walking and 30min of biking daily but it’s not sufficient. 

Photography goal: not much progress this week. Having technical issues with the editing software, haven’t done much editing. Need to find a back up editing solution. 

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4 thoughts on “Emasculated

  1. I get so disappointed in my gender when I read stories like this. It’s so unclear to me why so many guys act like such d(@*#*bags. To be fair, I’m sure that at times my behavior was less than stellar, but there are levels between acceptable-but-wrong vs straight-out-despicable.

    Glad to hear that you’re moving on and hope you find the new setting powers you to shift your demands of the Universe from what you DON’T want to what you DO want!

    Re: weight…how can you view this as an exercise in patience? Perhaps this isn’t a linear experience for you…perhaps it’s logarithmic, and will shift exponentially for you in the near term.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. WOW. There’s a lot here in this post. First, that is not being too picky. That is you standing for your self-worth. That is what will get you to the right person.

    I had no idea about your ex – I am sorry you went through that. Getting rid of the stuff and getting new stuff will I think be very healing — and it also sends a clear message to the Universe that you are ready to move on.

    I know that date was discouraging, but I am excited about what’s next for you! I can feel the possibility in this post.

    Like

  3. I really like that you did not settle for anything less than you deserve! Thanks for sharing your steps that you are taking to move on from your past. You are out there risking and taking steps. That takes a lot of courage.

    Like

  4. Thanks for trusting us in telling us what went on for you and for being vulnerable in letting us in on your world. When people do this I feel so hugely connected to them….so thanks for being brave and sharing this. I am so glad that you are getting closure and moving on….this has to feel amazing! …on to better dudes than this guy….have so been there before and a better one is definitely out there!

    Like

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