For both goals, this week was about realizing I had fallen out of integrity in several areas — and that it was making me feel especially lethargic and apathetic, which is exactly the opposite of who I need to be to reach my major goal.
I’m going to list all the breakdowns I can think of to just clear my plate on this.
1 – Helping with the babies. Last week my attitude was, well, Jimmy took over the lead on this and he seems to have it in hand. I think I’ll take a back-seat. And the truth is, he really is on top of his game. He’s been like a machine. But even machines need breaks, and our agreement is I take the lead on the weekends. I haven’t been.
2 – Birth control. This is so bad, but I’ve been taking pills sporadically, doubling and tripling up a couple of times because of missed days. I seriously hear stories so often about women who got pregnant immediately after giving birth (my sister-in-law being one of them). We’ve got two right now and we’re good with that!
3 – Work. It’s not that I’m out of integrity as far as my boss is concerned. I’m doing everything he’s asked, on time. It’s that I’m out of integrity as far as -I- am concerned. Just doing what I’m asked is not what I’m going for here.
4 – My marriage. How do I count the ways? We need to have more sex. I actually watched porn the other day, and wouldn’t my husband prefer I direct that horniness toward him instead? It’s hard with the babies, but, I’m getting tired of hearing myself say that. When we do have sex, it feels so overdue, and like a spa treatment — all my stresses suddenly evaporate and I’m like, why aren’t we doing this way more often? The other part of this I’ll write more about later, but in brief, Jimmy is again doing the heavy lifting on the emotional front in our relationship as well.
5 – Finances. It’s not out of control, but I need a plan for this month because of the car purchase and I don’t have one. I also have new benefits with the new job that I’ve got to get on top of.
6 – Body. In short, I need to hit the gym and put down the cupcake.
All of this has had a pretty big impact on me. My motivation and drive — despite my strong declaration of both in my recent journal post — grounded almost to a halt. Not only does this make me feel awful, it stymies my progress on my vision. My specific vision is, in a sentence, creating an abundant life for our family — with urgency. The urgency part is an essential component of the vision, and I know I will not get there in the mode I’ve been in.
There’s an impact on others too, of course. When I’m apathetic and lethargic I’m also really self-absorbed, I’m not being a source of integrity for our group, I’m not being a leader, I’m not focusing outward on my family and what they need.
My buddy’s post on Saturday is part of what had me get real about all this (thanks to him for that). So I too am recommitting, and that’s my focus for the week. It can be frustrating feeling like you’ve got to recommit again and again, but that’s just where I’m at right now — if I keep at it, I won’t be here long.
I recommit to:
1 – Taking the lead when I am home with the babies. This I think requires a shift Friday evening, where I verbally declare to myself and Jimmy that I am taking over.
2 – Taking my damn pill every day, which is as simple as putting it in a visible place in the bathroom.
3 – Going above and beyond at work, which means declaring each week what I will take on outside of what I’ve been assigned.
4 – For my marriage, shifting to 100% responsibility with regard to both our emotional health and creating sexual intimacy (an area I have struggled with, as despite my strong sex drive I grew up believing the man always initiates).
5 – For finances, make a plan for our car purchase — before sitting there at the dealership, like what happened this past weekend. And get clear on the new benefits by the end of the week.
6 – For my body, get reconnected to my vision for where I want to be (bathing suit ready by the end of the summer…hey at least I can make a strong showing at end-of-summer parties). This isn’t just about looking good, though — when I feel in control of my body and nutrition, I feel way more powerful in my life.
Minor Goal: totally fell off here, and that’s not surprising considering the above. I do find myself singing randomly more often to the boys. I know the lyrics to so many songs and they come to me spontaneously, so it’s sort of fun to see what pops out. The fact that I always find a way to sing no matter what reminds me of how much this form of expression actually matters to me. I need to connect more with that going forward.
That’s a wrap! Happy Memorial Day.