Stats (the written version, sort of)

I did my video stats, but a few additional drive-by thoughts.

–My boss gave me a mid-year review just now that started as a joke (I’ve been at my job a month), but then got serious and was very positive. He actually acknowledged that my contribution to that mediation was an important factor that caused our settlement to be several million dollars higher than expected. How’s that for creating value? That was incredibly awesome to hear. BUT — he also told me that he expects me to show up as a LEADER (that is the exact word he used). That he wasn’t expecting to see that yet, since all of this is new to me, but he expects to see it emerge from me soon. Frankly, that’s what’s been missing from me in this profession — not talent or work ethic or lacking in any lawyer skills, but, leadership. Ironically, holding myself back from becoming a leader is also what caused my major burnout five or so years ago that I only recently dug out of. Now, this is it; it’s do or die time, and I need to get present to that — both the humbling realization that I have not been a leader up until now, and that it is a critical component of making my future vision happen.

What’s also sort of scary is how REAL this opportunity is. I am one of the most senior lawyers at this firm (who is not already a partner).  This firm ain’t big, about fifteen people, raking in millions in fees every year. If I do the math — and factor in my senior status, and my boss’ expectation that I will emerge as a leader and rise quickly — what’s keeping me from my big vision?

Nothing — just me, and my doubts and hang-ups. Yikes.

–I really do want to look into how I judge others, and how it keeps me from connecting (which I touched on in my video stats). Here’s the problem with it, too: if you told me, Kyla, I experience you as judgmental. I’d say: yep. Like, I know that I am — but I feel JUSTIFIED, i.e., that my judgments of others are CORRECT. There are so many issues with that perspective, I don’t even know how to begin addressing it — but I am committed to doing so. I know this is probably the key thing that stops me from forming the connections I could have. And, maybe if I give others a break rather than rushing to snap, rigid judgments, I’ll start giving myself more of a break, too. This is hard, though — on the other side of it, I don’t want to drop my standards either for myself or what I expect of the people in my life. My prior low standards resulted in an abusive ex-husband and friends who only saw me as a drinking buddy. I think though some distinctions will become clear as I do the work to get more present to why I am judging, and who, and in what way — and as I get more present to the prices I’m paying.

–I am fascinated by these Howard Stern interviews (lol). Today was Kevin Hart. I think what I’m listening for is how did this person become so successful? What beliefs do they have, about themselves and the world, that caused their success? What can I learn from them? Kevin Hart’s story is crazy; he had a father who lied and cheated constantly and went to jail and at one point sent a pit bull after him (like, what??). And yet — (1) he did not make his father’s actions mean anything about him (that he’s not enough or not lovable), but rather saw them
as a direct result of his father’s own shortcomings;  (2) he has no resentment toward his father at all, because he recognizes his father didn’t know any better and that holding grudges just doesn’t serve him and what he’s up to; and (3) he has a positive, forgiving relationship with his father today–he bought him a house and loves having him as a grandpa to his kids.

I’d like to say I don’t resent or blame my parents for anything, but, the second I delve into it a little deeper I see that I do. They didn’t believe in me. They limited who I could be and what I could do. It’s their fault! I still have thoughts like that (which are hard to admit to, because they make me feel juvenile), and I think this is just another area where I’ve got to step into 100% responsibility. I have a great relationship with both of my parents, but, they can still “trigger” me by being negative or cynical or acting like they doubt me (because of what I make it mean).

In short, I’m trying to evolve with urgency so Jimmy doesn’t have to wait 1,000,000,000,000 lifetimes before I join him in nirvana.

This wasn’t as “drive-by” as I had it in my head.  So THIS is where Brodie gets it from (I can’t understand what he says, but I’m fairly certain he’s being unreasonably long-winded).


2 thoughts on “Stats (the written version, sort of)

  1. I think there is a distinction here worth noting for yourself. Your boss said to “start SHOWING up as a leader”. You then said : I have not been a leader up until now, and that it is a critical component……

    I think your terminology, if it is what you believe to be true, in actuality should more closely align with what your boss actually said. That you get to start SHOWING UP as a leader. In my experience, and particularly as of late, you show up as a very strong leader in written form. Particularly when you share your own personal challenges and how you overcome them. When you access that humble, serving form of leadership in your writing it is super strong. As an example your Memorial Day weekend struggles and your turn around in making things right. In my experience in lp and in Psplife when you access whatever it is you access to show up and present what is in you you SHOW us what resides within you as a leader. So, in my humble opinion, you get to figure out how you get to BE so that you can bring what is already inside of you out so that you can SHOW us all. In particular those still getting to know you as a person. If I had to guess, I would say trust (in your own abilities first, second in those you are working with, patience/compassion with yourself, and persistence might rank up there. I am sure you will figure it out for yourself though….

    Oh, and one other thought…..your boss, even though he is your boss is just giving feedback….not telling you the truth. You know better for yourself who and what you are….you just may have not yet chosen to show him everything you truly are.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ha! Love the Brodie comparison. He gets some good genes from you.
    I am so fascinated by the encouragement for you to be a leader at work. Were you a seagull, by chance? I feel like you weren’t – maybe a Tina or stripper? – but in so many ways you are such a seagull!! such a natural leader and so naturally resistant to being a leader. Like I can picture you starting to fly and knocking yourself down, repeatedly. What’s underneath that? what does it mean about you if you are a leader? Is there some self-judgment there? Or judgment of those you’d be leading? next blog post please 🙂


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