With the long weekend and the Jewish holiday the past 10 days are a blur, so I am going to blog about them all, even if I already mentioned parts.
We spent most of last weekend with my husband’s family. Are people wondering if time spent with in-laws is part of my ‘fun goal’? Well, it was. Husband had the best time and really shined in many ways – as an uncle, brother, cousin and event photographer. Being there with him and for him was wonderful. [This is a friendly reminder that I am a supporter.]
I spent Monday of the long weekend doing homework, which I liked. I am aware that there are many moments when I procrastinate and can’t focus, but when I think back on how I spent my Monday, I just feel really lucky to be privileged to study. I still often stop and second-guess if this is the ideal degree or worry about what opportunities it will (or won’t) afford me, but it is much easier to talk myself through it in the past month. So I have decided that if I can remain calm, then this is the right degree for now. I also remind myself that I chose this stretch. Figuring out how to navigate it, balance it with work, and all the other obstacles that come with school are apparently things I really enjoy. Again, I am sure there are many moments when I think I might cry, but I think that is part of the journey. Doing the work has helped me see these moments as opportunities, breakthroughs and points for reflection. I am pretty sure that before the work I have only interpreted them as reasons to feel confused, ashamed, and angry.
We then had a wonderful experience by a lake with some ‘lifers for a Jewish holiday. It was all kinds of fun. I assume these are the moments I will remember when I think of my time spent in Manhattan.
Between the long weekend and the holiday I had a very short work week dedicated to organizing an event which took place this past Sunday. It was stressful. How I responded to this situation reminded me that my go-to narrative is to assume I am doing everything wrong, and someone else would do it all way better. If someone tells me I am doing something well while I am in that head space, I assume they are lying. Every thought I have about myself is negative. In the end the event went smoothly and I got a lot of positive feedback from the leadership where I work! I’m still waiting to feel the impact of this experience but I am pretty sure it was a confidence-building opportunity that slightly and positively shifted how I see myself, my organization, and our leadership. I know I learned stuff, just not sure what. Stay tuned.
This week has been a balancing act between work, school, and family. There were many moments where I felt so nervous that if I can’t balance what is on my plate now, how will I do it next semester when I have more on my plate? I am not totally sure what to do with these concerns. I’m constantly trying to figure out how I want to handle this situation logistically and emotionally. Clearly I have thought way more about the emotions. Below is a pretty real glimpse into what happens in my brain every time I think about next semester. [Fun fact: so far I have been able to handle everything on my plate, in one way or another.]
- I tell myself that I will take it one step at a time.
- I remind myself that I chose this stretch. I am not going to back down for fear that I can’t handle it. I have done that enough in my life and especially in my career.
- I remind myself that new parents navigate this stuff, as so many other people. So I can, too.
- I then start thinking about the logistics and I remind myself that if I can’t handle it all, I can quit my job.
- I then feel guilty about quitting a job so early into my time there, especially since I really like the organization.
- I then feel really angry that I stayed at organizations I hated for longer than I the time I might spend at this organization.
- Then I wonder if assuming I can quit this job is a healthy approach. If I go into this with an option to quit am I doing myself a disservice? Will I be more likely to quit the second things get hard? Or am I being healthy knowing that full-time school and work is kinda nuts and it’s OK if I can’t do it.
- Then I wonder what will happen to my marriage if I am super overworked, tired and stressed. I wonder about household chores…and what will happen to my relationship.
- Then I tell myself to take this day-by-day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I won’t know what I can handle until I try.
- I focus on remaining positive, asking for help, seeing new opportunities and remember that this is a growth opportunity.
- Then I wonder if I am nuts and making a mistake.
- Then I remind myself that I will never know so just keep moving, cause movement is life (Thomas).
- That is where I leave things. I usually then see something shiny and get distracted, or eat my feelings.
Looking for feedback or advise as to how to navigate this. Thanks!
And to tie it all together – I think it is really fun to reflect, evaluate and design strategic plans for my feelings. So this falls under my fun goal, if that wasn’t clear.