In my senior year of high school I was proving myself capable as a student to Michigan State University. I had gotten off to a rocky start my first two years of high school and after having applied to MSU the end of my junior year, I was put on a waitlist and told that they wanted to see my seventh semester grades. So while all my friends had gotten their acceptance offers and had the calm and party on a dime attitude that such letters provided, I was working hard to prove that I was a capable student. I was studying day and night, taking my fourth year of high school Bio (advanced placement and the workload that came with that) and running myself into the ground. Coupled with the fact that I would see my boyfriend on most weekends when he returned from college and we would stay up into the wee hours of the night until my Dad would call down to me from the top of the stairs saying, J, thats enough, time for bed. All of this burning the candle at both ends yielded two things, an acceptance letter into Michigan State and, according to my doctor, “a very virulent case of Mononucleosis”. I was SO sick and home from school a lot. I felt as if I was on the outskirts of existence…..foggy/jetlagged….very fatigued and really sick. I have felt that way now for the last four weeks and two days. My daughter has been sick as well, finally going back to the pediatrician for the third time on Friday…..still with a 99.7 degree fever. They sent us home with a nebulizer and steroids for the gunk in her lungs and the nurse turned to me and said, don’t tell the doc I told you this but you should do some of these nebulizing treatments too. …and I have.
I have felt so sick…..like the same way I did in high school when I felt so isolated, unwell, halted….and I really have not had patience with this illness nor with myself. I want to be better. After three days of antibiotics and twice daily nebulizing treatments my lil 2.5 year old babe was running around the doctors office today like it was her home away from home….a fun place to play with toys and visit with her friends (the doc and nurse). So the good news is that she is really on the mend and I feel like I am right behind her, fingers crossed.
Earlier today I really felt sad. Really sad…..and depressed. All through LP I got the feedback that I am reacting to smallness. That I am a really strong leader and that I allow myself to be stopped by specific weakness or smallness in others (not that others are small or weak, rather that I am reacting to momentary weakness or smallness in others). Since LP I catch myself more often than not, but when I am weak or tired, not generaly strong sometimes I still react. Yesterday I was feeling bad as I have gotten off track on my PSPgoals….in particular a couple that have a sizeable financial price tag…..I have dragged my feet on these as I subconsciously feel that I don’t want to make the ask for these items as I am not myself making money. One of the items is a new computer so that I can start creating pieces in Rhino (CAD) and just get myself generally organized and settled. I have needed a computer for 6 years and have taken two hand me down computers in that time that have not supported my needs. Computers that my husband (electrical engineer/techie) reconfigured…..put new hard drives into etc. etc……. ours is a case of the cobblers kids with no shoes when it comes to technology/gadgets. Anyway, I dug deep and got back onto the horse recommitted internally to what I had committed to in my PSP and started talking with my husband about needing a new computer versus a fixer upper and mentioned that I need to just be able to sit down and go to work, no computer hang ups (crashes because of outdated systems/software etc), a set up that will allow me to function as I need to. About an hour later I told my husband that I was going to go to the Apple store and the Anthropologie store which are right next to each other while I was out for a bit of “me” time. Now my issues with the ask on things that require a decent amount of money are compounded by the fact that my husband is a very frugal guy…..in his culture it is better to drive around with a 15 year old car and have money in the bank/security. He reacted to my saying that I was going to the Apple Store as if I felt I was entitled to the best (translated, = most expensive) and even though he eventually got to the place later in the argument where he acknowledged that I am not careless with money and that he was not being trusting of me there was quite a bit in between the start and the acknowledgment. I wasn’t feeling well in general and had just moved past my own stuff, recommitted and was going to go to the store to just get started on seeing what was out there so that I could begin creating what I needed for my business. Then insert his nerd, or “stories”……and instead of my being able to recognize it I allowed his “stuff” to defeat me. I got upset that he was suggesting that I needed the best….. Anyway, I wasn’t my strongest self yesterday and I let his responses affect me.
I feel better now, but it took some time to move past it. Somehow there gets to be a better way of structuring our discussions about big ticket items to keep emotions and related hurtful statements at bay. Structure that allows these conversations to comfortably take place without all the poo poo on top. More for another day…..and tomorrow I will begin researching my computer purchase again….so perhaps more for another day this week. I remain committed.
So goal number 1, making sure I am keeping my needs on par with those of people that I care for around me has proven to be challenging but I remain committed.
As for goal number 2, not focusing on the judgements of others, I am proud of myself in where I have gotten to with this goal. In realizing that it isn’t a dismissal or a lack of caring what others think that I am after, rather a continual shifting back to what is of greater importance for me. It continues to be a muscle I am training to become stronger, but I am working that muscle all the time these days.