Im really trying to get to the bottom of how this week felt. I have to restore integrity. In the last week, I have not been as present to this PSP group (and my buddy) as I would have liked to. For me, I feel disconnected from the group and less energy towards my own PSP; the effect on the group is that ambiance of absence? though maybe not consciously acknowledged by everyone. Thais is, I feel that so much of life is not about making a mistake or doing something wrong or looking bad, but it is doing nothing when there is so much possibility in putting yourself out there. Greatest possibility? Re-commit to self and to group and look for ways to step-up and be in contribution. Mechanism? let’s start with the Stats Blog ;).
Some things that went well this week. I biked to work during the weekend, and was able to motivate myself to go on a bike ride after my 12 hour overnight shift. Riding my bike to work sort of forced this opportunity because I couldn’t just drive home when all I want to do after a night-shift is to fall asleep. By taking advantage of the bright summer morning, I was able to get physical activity that made me sleep better until my next shift and feel like I had contributed time to something I enjoy.
I graduated from Residency this week! Although I still have a few shifts to finish, we had our celebration and it was amazing to feel how much that has changed in the last 4 years, and that I have made it through this demanding time. I also took the lead in recognizing one of the nurses who had unexpectedly passed away during our residency. During the awards ceremony before we announced the “nurse of the year” I had planned a slideshow in recognition of Anjanette. I had tried to initiate this the previous year, but was unable to gain momentum from people. But this year I really shared with people why it was important by my ways of being and took the lead in making sure we had time to recognize a nurse that really made me (and my colleagues) better doctors because we had the chance to work with her. It really complemented our ceremony and the feeling of family that is a big part of our program.
Things that could have been better: I am starting to feel burdened and somewhat oppressed again at the impending change in my life as I transition jobs, housing, and communities in the next 2 weeks. I am thinking about all the doing that has to happen and it is inviting in some crippling conversation of ‘no time to spare’, ‘I am not ready for this,’ ‘I should have prepared better and I don’t think I will be on my game to start at the new place,’ ‘I’ll have to prove myself over again,’ etc. I know these conversations just sort of spin around as around and limit me from starting anything while making everything seem like too much to deal with.
I am reminded of the purpose of my PSP is to maintain a hobby for myself, such that whatever feelings, problems, or obstacles com along the way I have a way to still commit to something that will improve myself. It is my basis for making time to do rock-climbing, soccer, or to get out on my bike. This cycle has brought me closer to this goal, but I am still struggling with the consistency.
Finally, following-up from last week. I made plans to visit my sister, Kate, 2nd week of July. Plans may change for her or for me, but she called me to thank me for giving her a date and I know by committing to this it was another small way of clearing space for us.