Always Arriving

 About this time last year I was set to staff an Advanced that was canceled at the last minute. I had staffed the previous basic and felt like I was making my way back into the work. Now it is a year later and I am still making a comeback to the work. Starting this Cycle marked the time of the biggest transition in my life thus far. So much of the last 13 years has been taking the next step in school, graduate training, and residency; and now I am leaving to blaze my own trail, make my own decision. choose my own path. To ask myself, “what do I want?”

 For the longest time I have not even considered “what I want” because my focus has always been “my career and academic achievement should always take priority and focus over everything else.” And everything else will come when it comes. When I think about the goals of this cycle it was this idea of setting off on my own path, carving time for something that is truly mine that provides happiness for me intrinsically, some hobby or activity that was me. And even more my secondary goals of traveling alone and finding an apartment emphasized the need to create something for myself and my own fulfillment.

 Still, yesterday I was getting a tour of the apartment I will be subletting in July. The woman who owns the place is a little quirky, new-age, and very emotive. I am not sure how we got to talking about my job, and although she was tentative, she eagerly prodded with a bright face–and non-judgmental curiosity–‘tell me what the next 5 years look like for you.’

 And all I could think about was “work will be work,” but I kind of just want to start a family. Or create something of a family. I realize how important that is to me. I was fortunate to have that emphasized growing up, yet ironically, I most often speak about how frustrating my own family is with our poor communication, entrenched ways of being, and stubborn need to maintain our own agendas–speaking of my siblings and me.  

 It may be a little while until I have a family on my own. But for the time being I appreciate the community that I get to help create during the PSP cycle with you all. And I hope I could be part of the ways you have been on contribution during this cycle. I know that being a part of it has made clearer what I really want out of myself


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