So muchmore

Near the end but I have so much more…

As for my second goal financial education I complete both books and 90% of the workbooks I declared. I interviewed 3 financial planners and am set to pick one to get on track to create my financial vision so I am happy with this goal. As for my consultations I had one and another scheduled first week of Jan but more importantly I am not alone.

Being open and vulenarble I have stretched  and taken on for sure. I have been uncomfortable but I know that there is so much more.  I shared my life map as declared and finsihed my tantra course. I have improved communication although far from perfection.

From my life map, I acknowledge what I have accomplished in life thus far especially given some life trajectory shifts and acknowledge what the challenges and what the sources of learning for me were and ways of being that served me but no longer do. I don’t feel the need for people to understand my life map now or get me. As the cliche goes the past does not define me but the major accomplishment is me not being ashamed of it.

After looking at patterns from my life map I see that I have accomplished many things. I created my own life free from abuse and unsafe living turned that around to being Daddy’s little girl spoiled and raised like princess.

I created my own way of life to support myself and pay for college and pay for car payment after my Dad lost his job while I was in highschool and we had a forclosure on our house.

I created a new life in New York for myself as a trial attorney. Moving to the city with only no friends in new york and only a friend in Baltimore. I created a new profession for myself and started my own business.

I created a new way of being and growth to see what was working and does not serve me now and have started on this quest for personal growth and development.

Do I see any patterns? I can create from shit. I just make it happen. I make a choice and there is no turning back.

Does anything surprise me?  Yes, how I recreated over and over again. Also, how I was able to share and come out on the otherside still feeling loved.  Also, is it possible I have avoided certain things such as getting married for fear of repeating what happened to my Mom? Tough questions I get to look at.

Next I get to discover more of me and how I  want to feel and be. Knowing that I can create from shit imagine what I can create from good. I love you all. The discoveries I have made this cycle go beyond the doing and checking things off. I have mades some self discoveries, I have been vulenrable and I have made some mistakes.

The title of my life map “Surrender, chase, love”

I am grateful for all of you in this journey.

 

 

 

 

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That pure place in me bows to that pure place in you

Namaste also known as, “That pure place in me bows to that pure place in you.” I heart this saying so much and it is one of the first things I took from Yoga when I hated Yoga. I used to be one of those people who wanted the physical benefits of yoga without the mindfulness. I wanted to skip the hippy mumbo jumbo….but look at me know. What a 180

My main goal this cycle was to be more open and create intimacy so I wanted to share one of the first meditations I have been practicing from the Tantra course. (of course I keep waiting to press publish then changing my mind…oh what the heck1)

We have done a similar breathing technique like this in Advanced. It is so simple but for me has been so powerful in creating connection. Everytime I do this it feels a bit scary, tingly and you really just love the other person more after it and feel connected. I have to question the timing of this and think it may be responsible for me feeling so connected with E since when I started this it was early in our realtionship and we do it often. So should you feel inclined give it a try with your friend, child, partner, parent…. I have done this with a fellow PSPr and a friend outside the group. I find it as my way to open the window a bit so you can peak in and catch a glimpse of me…can you see me?

I am willing to open my heart and be more vulnerable. I am ready to have connected sex and to communicate better in my relationships.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1f6EpMe0YWzeRDI6K9-7DGYIULLMolwvi/view?usp=sharing

 

Lessons learned: I talk really fast  and look all around when I am scared on camera and when we did this meditation without the camera afer it was waaaaaaay more natural and powerful.  I decided to publish this unedited version rather than a perfect version as the goal was to be authentic not edited. Bonus: a few cycles ago one of my goals was creativity and I declared to buy my first artwork. You can see this work in the background making a debut! (ill post more about his in another post)

Namaste

For those that don’t have  time to watch the video here is the summary:

Daily Practices KISS CONNECTION METHOD– Kinetic, Intimacy, Sensuality, Slow Down to be more present

3 points of connection: 1) Breath 2) Hand to Heart 3) Eyes Diffused field of vision

Inhale to give energy and receive open heart to other energy no expectations and letting go of any expectations. Inhale and open your heart to receive love.

In other goal news I spoke with two other financial planners and have started working on the workbook for Think and Grow Rich. I also set up another consultation for January. One week to go time to s   t    r    e  t  c    h

 

 

 

Wins come in all forms

For those of you that remember I had a trip to Argentina planned last year. My dad had an accident a few days before and I canceled my trip went to the hospital stayed with him for 2 mths in a rehab facility until i got him set up in assisted living. This year, the guy I’m dating had a hiking trip planned before we met in guess where? Argentina. So, while he is off hiking, I’m going to come and have a week of tennis and maybe tango lessons on my own. We will meet in Buenos Aires and hang out a few days then fly back together. Yay! Next win is that I have been fighting for various benefits for my Dad through VA, Medicaid and other resources for the last few years. I got a win! I logged in to see why I didn’t have $ to cover the last check I wrote to my Dads assisted living facility and out of no where there is a few thousand  $$ lump sum deposited from VA!  Win 🙂  This will help out for sure! Up and coming I’m meeting with another financial planner next week.

Challenges/opportunities for growth and a win?:
The other day E called and I told him i was in a bad mood my foot was hurting and my Dad was mad at me for lying to him saying i was going to come visit and then didn’t  (what really happened is that I told my dad I would be visiting in 2 weeks. I though that by telling him so far in advance he would have something to look forward to. But instead it backfired he has no sense of time so he instead was mad when I was not there in 2 days) back to my phone call.. E responds,  “Oh im sure it will be ok when you get there. ” This triggered me.

No, it is not going to be ok. It is not that simple!!
The question for me to look at is why do I feel that others have no idea what I’m going through and because they don’t or are not going through something like this I some how think they don’t have the same grit or tenacity like me and I’m irritated?? Idk… Anyhow that is the minor question I get to look at.
The major thing is My Dad is upset and thinks I haven’t been to visit in 6 months. So far the last two days of my visit have been filled with comments how he will try to get over it, he was waiting everyday, everyone was waiting for me, they had no idea where I was, they tried to call me but could not find me. It went as far that when the aid told him he did a good job for eating all his food,  he said not like “some people” then turned around and looked at me insinuating that I had been “bad”.
Are you kidding me? I visit every month. I call every day the most time that has gone by has been 3 days since we have not spoken. This hurts. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is how he is feeling.  Am I upset yes. I remember reading that at some point in your personal development you reach this level where what others say does not hurt you. The author described it as “unfuckwithable.” I’m not there yet. I did set myself up to succeed before I faced him. I determined  how to respond instead of reacting. So while on the surface the win is that I didn’t respond, deny, or explain my story. The lawyer in me so wanted to bust out my flight records and phone logs. My Dad is sick he has lewy body dementia he can’t remember that I brought him ice cream yesterday.  He thinks the person that loves him so much the person who has him safe now who manages his finaces and medical care, who doesn’t work full time so she can visit monthly, is “bad”. He is upset with me and says he will try  to get over it. Yes it is a mindfuck. That is where I am. I know this is an opportunity for growth so I continue on putting my best foot forward one step at a time…learning, reflecting, crying. No holes punched in the wall ..not what I imagined a win would look like….. But none the less I’ll take it.

Swimming across the river fast

This weeks focus was sharing and being open. I started off with me connecting with a friend and fellow PSP’r for lunch which was great. The group is big this time around so this was our first time connecting since the cycle started. Besides having a great lunch and catching up, I got to practice being open and sharing. This lunch really set the tone for the week. To hear how someone else thought of me and was inspired by my sharing has really set me up to keep pushing the limt.

One of my goals was to share my life map with 3 to 5 people this cycle.  For some reason this by when was the one area I had not hit from my PSP. So I decided this was the week to make it happen. I brought it with me on Monday for lunch meetup but the scene and timing just didn’t feel right so I put it back away. I tried to make plans with someone else to share and that fell through so yesterday I finally broke through.  Every Wednesday for the last few weeks I have been meeting with my friend Jessica to write, brainstorm or just work on creative/passion projects. We usually go to a crepe place down the street or one of our apartments and write for 2 hours. Not yesterday… I had a secret agenda in mind once I showed up. Knowing my blog day was today I wanted to take this on so I brought my life map with me and shared it after dinner of course it didn’t happen till after a glass of wine at dinner but hey sometimes we all need that extra bit of relaxtion to flow. This was scary for sure so I think I was talking really fast and making big events out to be no big deal  but each time I feel this will be a bit easier.  Maybe it will even end up story like and detailed like some of our blog post…. but hey I did it. I was supposed to have shared it with 3 people according to my PSP by now but I am  not tied to the mechanics of how I share this since I have seen myself sharing more and more and even parts of my life map with others which I never would before. So I swam through the river really fast this time but I made it to the other side. Here is to slowing down that swim and hey even floating in the near future.

Vulnerability and Tantra

PSP lifers as the weekend approaches I am reflecting on this past week. Vulnerability up until now has been scary for me. During this cycle week after week I am noticing small things I am more open about again and again. The cool thing is that it is starting to happen without me deciding beforehand, “Ok, Brandy,  today  you are going to be vulnerable.” I am telling people more and more and sharing more and more. This makes me sooo happy 🙂   One of the principles I use when coaching someone about their nutrition or training is small consistent habits = success. So for me to take inventory and recognize that I am not doing this once in a while but more often than not when the exact opposite was true before has me giving myself a high five!!

Last week in my Tantra course (oh and me writing about taking a Tantra course is a stretch in itself) I learned about the 7 Chakras.  For those of you that don’t know they are Root, Sex, Heart, Ego, Voice, Mind, Bliss.  The practice involves touching your body in a different place for each chakra, a visualization (each chakra has a different recommended visualization to focus on) and saying a positive affirmation out loud.

For me the three that resonated the most with me where their may have been blockages that I feel are opening up are the heart, sex and voice. Chakras.  While focusing on your heart chakra you place your hand on your heart area and visualize a bright green emerald jewel radiating from your heart. The heart affirmation is, ” I am worthy of being loved. I am enough. I give love with no expectations. I soften my heart to receive love without fear. I am safe enough in myself to be vulnerable and let my guard down. I can give and receive love equally.” For the sex Chakra you place your hand at your pubic bone and visualize a lightening bolt of electricity from the tip of your sex organ running up your spine to the crown of your head; a great churning ocean of water in your pelvis. (I know this may sound kind of out there but bear with me) The affirmation I say is, “I am sensual. I am free to feel pleasure. It is safe to feel my sexual energy.”  For the voice chakra you touch around your throat, your collarbone or your jaw while saying visualizing a doorway that opens from your throat to infinite space; your spirit flying free in the sky. Then I say, “I can speak my truth. I am authentic. I am limitless”.

After over a week working with these as  I mentioned above I feel the curtain being pulled back and me standing there shining being me (and that me has some dirt or specks on the shine but it is still shining nonetheless). I am also getting braver and braver talking about sex in my relationship in a loving compassionate way (not so smooth all the time or turn me on kind of way but hey I’m working on it). In many of my past relationships I went the luck of the draw. If my partner was great in bed then life was good. But if my partner was not then I didn’t have the tools, voice or way to express myself I would just be disappointed or move on. I had a relationship that many of you know about where sex just didn’t happen most of the time unless it was scheduled out in advance on our “date” night that left me feeling not attractive, sexy an unwanted but I dealt with it by lashing out which just made things worse. I am committed now to learning and practicing this expression of what I want, like and really communicating about not just sex but in my relationships better.

Ok one more thing on the Tantra front. The modules are starting to enter the sex zone and move away from or build upon the previous weeks breathing, meditation, affirmation etc exercises. This last week’s “homework” was to pleasure myself but with the goal of not to orgasm as fast as possible but to do the opposite and get to climax and then come back down and then continue. The focus is delayed gratification while learning how to feel pleasure longer so your whole body feels energy, to relax and be in your body  and release hormones in body from orgasms, discovery/exploration and taking away the shame involved with pleasure. I had never really taken the time to do and say hey this is what I like and feels good I always relied on the guy to know what to do that feels good.  Best homework ever……

I’ll finish off by saying that of course the journey comes with hills as well.  I had some challenges this week.  I yelled at and judged the hell out of my friend who told me on a 4 day notice she was running the marathon on Sunday and then the cookies oh the cookies…..  Have you ever eaten a bag or box of cookies the whole thing?  Well, I did that today. Luckily the bag only had six macaroons in it. While I don’t have a fitness or nutrition goal. Fitness and Wellness are huge part of my life. So I took the time to review a behavior awareness worksheet from my trusty nutrition certification course (anyone that is interested I can send you the sheet) to dig deeper and find the trigger or the chain of events that lead to this to learn to break the link. Basically asking myself in the 1 to 2 hours before, immediately before and during: What was I doing? thinking?  feeling, emotionally, feeling physically? location? and who was with me?   Cookies you won this time but I am ready next round! Judgment I am working on you for sure you may slip in now and then but I am getting stronger and learning my truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi my name is Brandy. I get excited

 

My dad is out of the hospital! Hip hip hooray!

Over the past few years there has been so many ups and downs with his condition. I feel like I am riding an emotional rollercoaster at times. When he is doing good I am so high up in the clouds dancing and celebrating! But boy when we get to the top of that hill and his condition goes down I go so low to the bottom. In a sports mental performance book I was reading it was talking about trying to stay emotionally stable. Another words, when you when win a point don’t celebrate, gloat jump up and down yell clap etc and when you lose a point no negative self talk or getting angry, throwing your racquet etc. This is a principal I have been working on court and it has definitely helped my game. Boy do I wish I could take this to my outside life and my situation with my Dad. My emotional rollercoaster is draining and leaves me in such an awful state. But what to do? I am a person who gets excited. I am that person who likes to celebrate and “gets into it” for everything. I mean everything.  This is who I am. I get excited.

This also made me ask is this sustainable? Can I continue to do this and for how long? The lesson of this week in my Nutrition coaching course was how to build a sustainable practice/habit etc based on having the resources to grow and develop; having the time and space to do it; building the skills to bounce back and recover from setbacks; finding the right pace of work; balancing all your competing demands (e.g. work, school, family, etc.); and giving yourself the ability to stick with it. A work in progress for sure. I’m open to any feedback.

Another opportunity for growth this week was when I was in breakdown and I used the opportunity to be open and share what was going on for me with my buddies. It started when the hospital staff, who the day before was cooperative with me, started giving me a hard time about not being able to verify who I was the next day. They said the didn’t have my POA on file and then once I said I would refax it they said they still couldn’t talk to me since they couldn’t verify who I was unless this was in person. After 15 minutes of me hulking out on them they decided to give me a pin # I could call in with to verify it was my. Why did it take me hulking out to get this result? I am sure this issue had come up before so there should have been a set system in place. I had committed to myself earlier in the year that I was not going to hulk out on these medical/financial and insurance issues surrounding the run around etc I deal with trying to advocate for my Dad. I had no issues the day before so I didn’t think to prepare like I have been before contentious calls. When I was working with a life coach we had a whole pre-caregiver phone call routine, I would wear and rub my peace beads, I would put on essential oils or candle, I would journal my intention, asking “Who do I want to be? What role do I want to have? Do I want to just listen to them?” “How do I want to feel when I put phone down? I would have spiritual book or sayings next to me, I would have my running shoes on so I could get up and walk to shift, I would have meditation music playing, I would use breath techniques-1 to 10 or 4 count breathing. The goal was to declare, “I deserve this in this moment. I have a choice in this situation.”   But all I could think yesterday was how long will I need crutches? When will I be able to walk on my own? ???? How long will I have to do all those things above just to make a call? The things normal people do day to day.

So right now I’ll just “Be” with the tangle and not struggle with it and inadvertently tighten it more. Based on readings by me being with it I can become aware and shift my focus to learn what might be holding me back.

As for my investment goal does anyone have an Annuity? If so message me! I am looking into getting one possibly. This was the investment tool I learned about this week. The basic principle is that you make a lump sum deposit today and you will have a guaranteed income that kicks in on a date later in life. It is basically a safety net for the problem of living to long (you know with all our awesome technology). Ex. invest $100,000 today then at age 85 you get $64,000 each year. So if you live another 10 or 15 yrs after 85 you get $64,000 every yr so you only have to make your other retirement plans last 20 yrs ( (from age 65 to 85)instead of 30 or 35 years.

OK I’m out! Have a great weekend.

Week 2

Let’s hit my by whens first:

On my way to creating a financial plan that gets excited about retiring and giving back.

  • I have completed 3 out of the 7 steps in Master the game as I said.
  • I have not touched the other workbook I said I would at all. I get to take a look at this and decide if I put too much on myself or if I am avoiding. The first time I tried to go through this book, “Think and Grow Rich” it seemed so outdated and did not speak to me (although I use all the steps towards my tennis goals) so I thought by tying it to Tony Robbin’s book (someone whose language speaks to me) and to PSP that I would get this done!
  • I have completed my module 1 of 7 week Tantra course and used the KISS meditation I learned with the guy I am dating. More importantly I shared my meditation morning ritual with him (when before I would not do it if someone new was around or skip it that day) and he joined in on the second time. So I am being more open sharing what I am up to. Win!
  • I said I would talk with a few people and dig deep as to what was underneath both of my goals. I did this with my small group this week and I get to do it individually with people in the upcoming weeks.

This week what stood out to me was an exercise about what beliefs we were taught about sex from family, religion, friends.  So I share and welcome anyone to share back in comments or privately to me if interested.

Step 1) List as many as you can beliefs you remember being taught about sex. Ex: Having sex before marriage is a sin; Having multiple sexual partners makes you popular/slutty; If I don’t have good sex with my partner, my partner will cheat; Being gay is a sin/illness;  Having sexual desires is bad; Asking for sex or telling my partner what I want is not good; Refusing sex to my partner makes me a bad spouse; sex is only for procreation and not for enjoyment; Sex is meant to be enjoyed; sex is healthy; My sexuality has the potential to attract harmful situations; Sex is a beautiful act of connecting with another.

Step 2) go through the beliefs you wrote and think how do they affect your intimate life,your choice of partners and the quality of your relationships? See which ones are empowering and which ones you feel are disempowering.

Step 3) Look at the column with the disempowering beliefs and decide what new beliefs you would like to replace them with. Be creative and write a list of the new beliefs you would want to make your own, so you can rewrite your connection and intimacy story to match your true heart and soul desires.

For me as a child I didn’t have much to go on here. In the one year i lived with my Mom after my parents got divorced I wasn’t taught anything but I observed and was around  an abusive situation.  After exiting that situation quickly,  I grew up with my Dad and what I learned was sex is bad and then whatever you do you have 3 rules one of them involved not coming home pregnant. But no real beliefs taught to me.  Going back to religion which I went to church briefly for a year or two before I moved in with my Dad once again it was all about don’t do it. It is a sin. I wonder if people who grew up with their Mom or both parents were taught?  …TBC