The main take away that I have been incorporating in my life is coming from nothing. There is go right or wrong. The purpose is a specific internal transformation where you take away the needing, grasping, and anxiety instead create a space, openness, nothing which leads to the possibility of creation.
I realized that we are so attached to our ego and identity that we made up for ourselves even the things we see in a positive light. For example I identify with being resilient, driven, athletic, tennis player, caregiver, loving and fun. Because I am so tied to these thing there is an added unconscious expectation of how I am supposed to act or what drives my actions. Mastery taught that I am not those things. I can choose to be those things but it is not the truth.
Two distinctions that were made again in Mastery that stood out for me were more, better, different and stand vs position. Making the distinction that thinking more, better different is survival mode was key. For me that plays a role somehow as I am always having PSP goals, working on improving, training to be better at tennis so I can compete in international tournament, do things differently if something is not working for me etc…I have to remember that the things above are all things I can choose to work on and improve but I don’t need to. I am enough. I am perfect how I am. I recognize when I am not careful I can subconsciously start to think I need to be more, better, different and it is something outside of me I need. This came up for me when I was wondering why my boyfriend isn’t working on side projects, having 2 goals every 8 weeks or taking on something new. I started to judge. But why, based on me and my feeling that I want or like to be working on things improving. Heck, kudos to him he loves himself just the way he is and does not have this underlying need to be more, better, different. I am going to remember this distinction when I am wondering why others close to me are not like me, motivated like me, working towards something bigger etc.. Yes, I want to be surrounded by people like that but that does not mean I need to judge my partner if he is not.
The second distinction that really stood out was shifting my self from position to stand and once again coming from nothing. Ex. I stand for health and wellness vs the postion that I live a healthy life. I workout and eat clean. I train hard. (which implicitly implies if you do not do those things you are leading an unhealthy life) This again came up with my boyfriend. I found myself asking questions and secretly (or not so secretly) judging when the response isn’t one that does not align with my position on eating and working out. Even small things I was doing like saying, oh that is a “Brandy meal.” Implies that any meal you eat that is not a “Brandy meal” is unhealthy. Instead going forward, I can focus on taking a stand for health and wellness which is inclusive and welcoming to all especially my loved ones. I can create an enviorment at my apt or in our relationship that supports health and wellness and makes it easy as a choice. That is just it choice, possibility not exclusiveness, rigid, either/or.
Now I wanted to share how the principals of Mastery have positively affected me in the last two weeks. The first situation came up was when my landlord came storming in angry last week because we had received a costly violation from the City. Before Mastery, this would have sent me into frenzy. I would have been upset, anxious, and stressed out. I would have called my business partner and yelled and blamed and told him, “I told you so.” Why? Well because of my ego, my “identity”, you know who I am! But in mastery we learned our ego is not the truth. I was not threatened about protecting my story, my ego of who I am. Why? Because we learned: I am nothing. I don’t have to be this smart attorney who is knowledgeable about small business law and an entrepreneur. (I mean who else in my business would be these things or know what I know? ) I don’t need to protect my ego that surrounds these things. (you know these things that taken on their own seem like positive identity to have: smart, attorney, entrepreneur etc.) Yet, I realized when I was holding onto those as being me it changed the way I would act. This time I came from a place of nothing and called up my business partner told him what happened calmly, did my research on hiring an attorney and presented the information without any tie to the outcome. This had a big impact on me….
The second occasion happened a few days later. My business partner called me and let me know that I could go and be with my Dad for however long I needed to I just needed to hire someone to replace me. A few years ago we had a similar conversation yet left the conversation feeling a totally different way.
I think what happened was once again I didn’t have this ego to protect. My ego that told me before I live an amazing life in NY, all my friends, my tennis community, my LP community, my boyfriend,…all of my life is in NY. I NEED to be in NY. Going back to Texas is a step back I life, it is moving away from my ego/identity that I created about my importance in NY. I had made up the story that I had to be in NY to protect my business to keep my relationships, to keep my life. I was also resentful to my Dad because I had the above ego to protect. But this time, I was like yeah ok, let me look into this possibility of going back for 6 weeks. I don’t have to be all those things I described above. Who knows, maybe I would even move back? Who cares that I didn’t start my fitness travel business I have been talking about? (before I had big ego tied to this…but it is not the truth)
The next time Mastery showed up was when I was with my Dad in Texas. Religious background: I was born Catholic, when my parents divorced I spent a year with my Mom’s side of the family who where Christians so I identify closest to the Christian religion. After this brief 1-year sting of Christian church, I have not attended Church or thought much about religion until recent years. Anyhow, my Dad is Catholic. He never went to Church as an Adult until about 8 years ago. He would ask me if I wanted to go with him and I would refuse. It didn’t seem to bother him. Fast-forward, a few years eventually as he started to get sick he one day hit a curb in church parking lot and forgot where he was. Shortly after this he stopped driving and going to church. Now where he is living in the assisted living facility there is a woman and priest who come by on Sunday’s to do communion with anyone who wants to. Anytime that I am there I will do it with my Dad. Before mastery I was doing it with my Dad but not believing in it or just going through the motions. I was doing it because it was important to my Dad and I wanted to make him feel good and safe. (I mean he is sick with terminal disease) But I still had this ego, this identity that I was a not a Catholic so I did not believe in this and this did not work. Yet after mastery, it was different. I mean totally different. I didn’t have to tell the world and tell God I am not Catholic. I didn’t have to analyze every single word that was said in the prayer to see if I agreed with it or if it went against my principals and if it did to not say it. Instead, I said the prayer, I meant it. I felt it. I realized I don’t have to speak a certain prayer language, I don’t have to protect this righteous image of not believing in disempowering religions etc. No, that is not the truth. I am nothing. I could just pray with my Dad.