Week 2

Let’s hit my by whens first:

On my way to creating a financial plan that gets excited about retiring and giving back.

  • I have completed 3 out of the 7 steps in Master the game as I said.
  • I have not touched the other workbook I said I would at all. I get to take a look at this and decide if I put too much on myself or if I am avoiding. The first time I tried to go through this book, “Think and Grow Rich” it seemed so outdated and did not speak to me (although I use all the steps towards my tennis goals) so I thought by tying it to Tony Robbin’s book (someone whose language speaks to me) and to PSP that I would get this done!
  • I have completed my module 1 of 7 week Tantra course and used the KISS meditation I learned with the guy I am dating. More importantly I shared my meditation morning ritual with him (when before I would not do it if someone new was around or skip it that day) and he joined in on the second time. So I am being more open sharing what I am up to. Win!
  • I said I would talk with a few people and dig deep as to what was underneath both of my goals. I did this with my small group this week and I get to do it individually with people in the upcoming weeks.

This week what stood out to me was an exercise about what beliefs we were taught about sex from family, religion, friends.  So I share and welcome anyone to share back in comments or privately to me if interested.

Step 1) List as many as you can beliefs you remember being taught about sex. Ex: Having sex before marriage is a sin; Having multiple sexual partners makes you popular/slutty; If I don’t have good sex with my partner, my partner will cheat; Being gay is a sin/illness;  Having sexual desires is bad; Asking for sex or telling my partner what I want is not good; Refusing sex to my partner makes me a bad spouse; sex is only for procreation and not for enjoyment; Sex is meant to be enjoyed; sex is healthy; My sexuality has the potential to attract harmful situations; Sex is a beautiful act of connecting with another.

Step 2) go through the beliefs you wrote and think how do they affect your intimate life,your choice of partners and the quality of your relationships? See which ones are empowering and which ones you feel are disempowering.

Step 3) Look at the column with the disempowering beliefs and decide what new beliefs you would like to replace them with. Be creative and write a list of the new beliefs you would want to make your own, so you can rewrite your connection and intimacy story to match your true heart and soul desires.

For me as a child I didn’t have much to go on here. In the one year i lived with my Mom after my parents got divorced I wasn’t taught anything but I observed and was around  an abusive situation.  After exiting that situation quickly,  I grew up with my Dad and what I learned was sex is bad and then whatever you do you have 3 rules one of them involved not coming home pregnant. But no real beliefs taught to me.  Going back to religion which I went to church briefly for a year or two before I moved in with my Dad once again it was all about don’t do it. It is a sin. I wonder if people who grew up with their Mom or both parents were taught?  …TBC

 

 

 

 

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What does it mean?

PSP progress on goal 1 intimacy: I have shared with you all one of the major things I am up to which was big for me. I was still kind of scared at first when my buddy or other members  mention it in a conversation with me. I was even taken aback when someone mad a joke about it from the group but I am sure this will pass.  I’m looking forward to when asked about it I don’t secretly wince inside.  Baby steps… Along with baby steps I reached out to set up my first consultation.

I also signed up for a 7 week intimacy course as planned and started module 1.  The thing is that when I first bookmarked this course a few months ago for me to look into in the future I really connected with the woman presenting and because the course was listed on a platform I respect I was already on board. The thing is that the woman who taught the course committed suicide a few months ago. What does that say for the work? Does that make the principles she teaches about Tantra useless? Did they fail her?  I asked these same questions when Addy passed. For those of us that knew her she was a great leader when involved in the work. But others also know how she behaved outside the work at times. Did it mean that the “work” failed Addy? or us? No right?  We still believe in the principals from our trainings. But I do have to say that both of these deaths makes me question how to reconcile the facts…. As for now I don’t have an answer on what this means but I decided to do this course anyways after listening to her son’s forward which stated that after his mom passed so many women came up to him saying how she changed their lives and that the best way to continue her legacy was to continue to spread the word.   All confusing thoughts about the work and suicide aside, so far the course is great and the first module focused on underlying beliefs we were taught when we were young about sex. Then there was another exercise meditation that I will try this  upcoming week and report back!

As for goal two I have been chipping away as planned at the Master the game workbook and sent an email to my broker to find out what exact fees I am being charged so I am right on track. I also emailed Stephanie a copy of the questions since she has the book as well and maybe will meet up sometime to discuss.

Other things I am up to? Well as many of you remember last year I was studying for my level 3 Crossfit Certification. This year as I was deciding what skills I wanted to up I decided to go with nutrition. I signed up for my Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification. This is a year long program with daily homework assignments, client profiles and a mentor. I am excited to learn more about Nutrition to provide myself, my members, friends and family with the tools to succeed in creating a healthy lifestyle. I never really took on more than a few Nutrition clients with my first Nutrition certification but once I finish this course an online coaching business may be something I add to my arsenal.

Week 2 I’m ready!

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for taking such great care of my little brother

 

This past weekend I was in Texas. I had two things on the agenda. 1) coordinate a ride to take my Dad to colonoscopy. (No small feat for someone who can hardly see walk and has Lewy body dementia. Oh did I mention I had to secure insurance approval appointment coordination, work coverage and flight cost) I know, I know I am milking it so you guys can get my occurring world.

2) Celebrate my Dad’s bday. I secretly invited my family to a byol (bring your own lunch) at my Dad’s assisted living facility. To create a day where we all come together.

So I call my Aunt to tell her about the party. Then the thought occurs but why me? Why doesn’t she go see him on her own? The lens I see her through is that she is not doing enough on her end. I am the only one doing anything. Instead of help she ask me the dumbest questions and is so out of touch that she dosn’t even hear how ridiculous she sounds. She lives closer than me and has WAY more $$ than me.

I take it so personal. It triggers me. Or let’s say up until now I used to take it personal and used to be a trigger.

After inviting her she says, “Well that is bad timing taking him to a colonoscopy and trying to celebrate his birthday. What if he doesn’t feel well tomorrow?” My thoughts, “Well if you took him to Drs appointments or helped paid for his care or my flights maybe you could get to say that….” then I respond, “Well when you fly in from NY to take him and coordinate a ride to colonoscopy yes it gets batched with a birthday visit. He is not feeling well today. I don’t care how he is feeling tomorrow really this is the day we are celebrating because I fly out on Sunday.”

After that smart ass response she then ask if my Dad is ok to go to a restaurant. Did she not hear what I said about him a) getting a colonoscopy 2) anything I ever said this year about how he can hardly move or see? My response, “He is not well and will likely not ever be well to go out to a restaurant.”

The best was when she asked me if my Dad had a phone book with the family’s numbers in it. She called my Dad on his birthday and asked my Dad about knowing her number. I told her no that Juanita (care provider)had the numbers listed in his file. Her response, “Well your Dad doesn’t know that. He said that he doesn’t have anyone’s number.”

Me: “He has this thing called dementia”

Her: “Well I was thinking to write down all the numbers of the family for him to put in a phonebook in his room.”

Me: Well he can’t really see or read anything written also he does not know how to use the phone.”

Her: I have a lot of extra phone books. Do you think it would be a good gift for me to make for him?

Me: Well if you want to give a phonebook to someone who can’t see and likely won’t remember sure but, Can you bring a cake?”

Meanwhile on the inside I am raging I am trying to rub my peace beads to calm me down. How can she be so out of touch with reality to even be suggesting this?

Fastforward to after my Dad’s surprise party. I texted everyone thank you for coming. Her response: “Thank you for taking such good care of my little brother”

It melted a bit of my hardness just a bit or broke a piece of the glass I am looking through. I didn’t even take a second to think how emotional she may be taking this or that she is seeing him maybe even scared as her little brother. I didn’t know I needed this recognition and I wonder why I did? I mean as being transformed are we not supposed to do things for ourselves regardless of how others respond??

I am enough. The end.

Last week of # 10!

This week for my creativity project I decided to focus on finally selecting a painting for my apt. I was at a local coffee shop with my friend when I was making this declaration. He then ask me, “Why don’t you buy one of the paintings on the wall here? Everytime you are here you check them out?”  So I looked at the paintings again and read the artist name…. Me: “Hey I know him he used to be a member at my gym!” I remember seeing on facebook when he started taking on paintings. So, I reached out to him to see if I could commission a piece.  He responded that he would be glad to. Best part is that he uses painting as his outlet for karmically giving back, so the proceeds minus materials will go to a charity of my choice.  Win, win!

For my spirituality goal I am really happy with my new mindset and openness about the topic. It is hard to describe but it seems so light for me to talk and be curious and ask and share without fear of judgment about it.  As far as by when’s I reached out to Naomi to attend a service and Shabbat dinner with her in July.

After my last post about me hulking out on the Medicare rep, I had two other situations that came up in Texas with friends that had me take a look at my being and how I was showing up in the world. Without self beat up I have taken the downs or perceived downs and as Josh wrote the other night thinking about the fact that yes I get to take a look at me but also it is not all about me. Yes this is feedback and it is also about other people and their stuff. I am failing at times but failing better……

I am going to continue my spirituality foundation and practices and now I know some of the what is possible when I get creative. One step closer…….

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

A work in progress

My creativity and spirituality are still a work in progress. Within progress there are ups and downs and this past week is the first week I did not set aside time to work on my goals intentionally. Throughout this cycle I have really felt the power of starting and ending each day powerfully with intent and getting present and even did this reset midday. I didn’t realize how these new habits were so amazing until I let them slip away. Slowly but surely it ended up with me doing less time meditating, less time journaling, less time reflecting, less time making my goals important and not calling myself out on it.

In my mind I was still subconsciously doing these things just without as much rigor, outrageousness or accountability. And I was ok with that for the last week or two…as I have focused on housing two different sets of house guest.  But wait we do this work and practice new habits so that when we are under stress, our stories or circumstances we rise powerfully! I am recommitting to finishing the cycle and life with vigor and excitement humility.

The power of intent and getting present really hit home yesterday.  I handled a conversation with a Medicare representative in a way that I thought I had got past. Learning the new habits of really stopping and asking myself the questions before I make the insurance call for 10th time: ” Who do I want to be? What role do I want to have? Do I want to just listen to them?  How do I want to feel when I put phone down? I want to feel like I learned more and am moving in right direction. How to set up for success today?

And knowing by taking these steps I can shift the results. Having a spiritual text or quotes next to me, calming music playing, breathing techniques, recognizing moments of frustion and greet them…I am feeling this anxious, awful moment, I am getting tense, I recognize I need to shift the rhythm now or perhaps my day will go this way.  BE ACCOUNTABLE DURING CALL. I WILL STICK WITH THIS AND TURN LEFT. BUILDING RAPPORT. CAN I MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL HEARD. I JUST WANT TO DO THE BEST I CAN FOR MY PARENT.I deserve this in this moment. I have a choice in this situation. Follow through.

Those were all steps I knew would set me up for success but I guess I thought I could take the training wheels off and just make the call.  Summary: Medicare would not talk to me because I am not my Dad. They wanted my Dad to verify information. He has dementia. I told them this. They insisted on me having him on phone to ask him. He remembered his bdayd just not the year so they would not talk with me. We were on a three way call I told my Dad it was ok to hang up. I proceeded to lose my mind on the phone with this rep and ask for a supervisior because clearly this wasn’t the first time the situation came up. Bad result: my Dad did not hang up the phone but heard all this. He was already sad becasuse he could not remember his own birthday year this just made it worse as he heard how mad I was. The exact opposite result of what I wanted to create. 😦

I want to acknowledge myself for limiting my self beat up after this happened. I also want to realize the prices I am paying.

Bottom line: no shortcuts in life and in the work.

 

 

A week has passed?

This past week I had friend’s visiting from out of town. I’ll be honest I didn’t do much towards either goal. I did share my vision board with them (which is creative) and reflects my spirituality goal? (I know it is a stretch…)

This post is short and to the point. Minimal action towards goal’s this past week. declaration this week: make it to a group religious event and spend a few hours looking or creating that elusive art work for my apartment.

 

Buen Camino and Communion

Last week I declared for my spirituality goal that I would tell my Dad about my spirituality quest. Being that my Dad has limited attention span due to Dementia and we have never had a religious conversation , this was a stretch. I am happy to say my Dad listened responded that he thought it was great and he even liked my prayer that I read him aloud (posted on my blog post last week).  Then Sunday came and the place where my Dad lives always has someone come in to give them communion.  Normally this is something I would sit out and watch.  Since this was an opportunity in line with my goal, the bigger purpose  of connecting, stretching and I knew all the words. I participated and ate the cracker given. Amen   (now I didn’t recite it word for word but baby steps)

Next, one of my friends from the gym is going on the Camino this summer. The Camino de Santiago (the Way of St. James) is a large group of ancient pilgrim routes that stretch across Europe and coming together at the tomb of St. James in Santiago (north-west Spain). He told me he is walking with intention this year so he asked me and some friends who were interested to put our “intention” in a self addressed envelope and he will carry with him on his hike and when he reaches Santiago he will mail it back to us.

Here is where my two goals come together I used a page from my Daily Zen doodle book and drew up my intentions:  Intentions