This has been a cycle full of twist and turns for me. I started out wanting to do this and found out that it was something else I needed to do.
I am happy to say, that my pain has subsided and the numbness is at twenty percent from one hundred percent. I learned to listen to my body, and rest when I need to. I have learned to apply my physical therapy exercises and yoga posses, and it made such a huge impact on my life. Not functioning at one hundred perfect, but I have the tools I need to get there.
I did lose some fat, I honestly don’t know how much but most of my size twelve pants are too big.
So, why am I experiencing anxiety and sadness. I’m feeling extremely stagnant. Well, for one thing my life is a fucken mess in my life. Yes, my life is a fucken mess. My marriage is in the toilet, my children are going through hell, they are in a state of stagnation. And, the only thing I’ve been doing is shopping and spending money that I should be saving. I’m extremely unorganized, I have so much clutter in my life, it’s starting to rear its ugly head. Who, am I kidding the head burst a long time ago.
My vision for myself is to be single and free living my life the way I see fit. I don’t want to be in a committed relationship. I have a long to do list and being in a relationship is last on that list. I feel like I’ve given too much of myself and I have nothing left to give. I get extremely emotional just thinking about it. And, the only thing that comes to mind if not now when?? What am I sourcing for my sons and daughter. Especially my daughter, who is probably experiencing me as someone who is weak. I probably just made that up.
Thankfully, I’m leaving for Peru in January, to go on my spiritual retreat. When I return, I will be cleaning house.
I’ve throughly prepared myself for this trip. And, I am very clear on my intentions for what I’m seeking from this healing journey.
It’s time for new beginnings, I desperately need a new beginning. I have a huge desire to evolve again. I have a feeling it’s going to be huge for me, which is probably where the anxiety is coming from. The sadness is letting go. Letting go of the old Deborah and embracing the new, free, best of myself. Letting go of the one person that I wanted to grow old with. And, it’s ok, it really is.