New Beginnings

This has been a cycle full of twist and turns for me. I started out wanting to do this and found out that it was something else I needed to do.

I am happy to say, that my pain has subsided and the numbness is at twenty percent from one hundred percent. I learned to listen to my body, and rest when I need to. I have learned to apply my physical therapy exercises and yoga posses, and it made such a huge impact on my life. Not functioning at one hundred perfect, but I have the tools I need to get there.

I did lose some fat, I honestly don’t know how much but most of my size twelve pants are too big.

So, why am I experiencing anxiety and sadness. I’m feeling extremely stagnant. Well, for one thing my life is a fucken mess in my life. Yes, my life is a fucken mess. My marriage is in the toilet, my children are going through hell, they are in a state of stagnation. And, the only thing I’ve been doing is shopping and spending money that I should be saving. I’m extremely unorganized, I have so much clutter in my life, it’s starting to rear its ugly head. Who, am I kidding the head burst a long time ago.

My vision for myself is to be single and free living my life the way I see fit. I don’t want to be in a committed relationship. I have a long to do list and being in a relationship is last on that list. I feel like I’ve given too much of myself and I have nothing left to give. I get extremely emotional just thinking about it. And, the only thing that comes to mind if not now when?? What am I sourcing for my sons and daughter. Especially my daughter, who is probably experiencing me as someone who is weak. I probably just made that up.

Thankfully, I’m leaving for Peru in January, to go on my spiritual retreat. When I return, I will be cleaning house.

I’ve throughly prepared myself for this trip. And, I am very clear on my intentions for what I’m seeking from this healing journey.

It’s time for new beginnings, I desperately need a new beginning. I have a huge desire to evolve again. I have a feeling it’s going to be huge for me, which is probably where the anxiety is coming from. The sadness is letting go. Letting go of the old Deborah and embracing the new, free, best of myself. Letting go of the one person that I wanted to grow old with. And, it’s ok, it really is.

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Grateful and Thankful

We made it, just arrived at our destination. Thirteen hours on road was great and tiring at the same time. By ten this evening everyone was here. So happy to see my mom, brother, cousins, nieces and nephews.

I want to make a special shout out to my funny, loving sister whom I love. She’s my best friend and we have a truly special bond that we didn’t share growing up or when we got married and started having children. I’m in such gratitude.

I’m grateful and thankful for the positive people who are apart of my life. Such as PSP lifers, and other groups that I’ve been blessed to be apart of. People who share their strengths and struggles with me and a bunch of people they hardly know. That is so beautiful to me.

I’m so grateful for everything for everything is going on and not going on yet in my life.

I’m grateful and thankful for my health, which have improved dramatically. Thank you to my therapist and physical therapy.

I’m grateful and thankful for my new job, it’s a lot of work but I love it.

I’m grateful and thankful for all that I’ve accomplished and have yet to accomplish.

Stats are ok, I feeling like I want to do better. Like I’m ready to take my training to another level. I’m ready to stretch like my life depends on it.

Catching Up!

I have been feeling exhausted lately, new job and a ton of work to do. I really like my new position, it’s challenging and I’m busy all day. I feel appreciated and valued.

As far as my stats go, I’ve been sticking to my eating and have lost some body fat, but I am feeling like I am ready to take my training to another level. I am feeling much better in the pain department. My physical therapist is the best, he teaches me something new at every visit and I feel like I am healing.

I am super excited because I am going out-of-town next week, driving to Savannah, Ga with my family  to my sister’s house, my mom, brothers,nieces and nephews and a cousin are going to be there for a huge Thanksgiving feast. I can’t wait and yes, I am planning on cheating a little because I can’t resist my mom’s sweet potato pie. I was able to plan and make all the arrangements for us out-of- towners’.   I am so proud of myself for this, usually I would have remained quiet and let someone else do it, but not today. I took charge and along with my sister created an itinerary of the activities were planning to do,  to connect us as a family.

My trip to Peru is paid in full, I am on my way in January 2018, Mother Ayahuasca has called me. What a way to start the year.

Feeling Grateful and physically tired.

 

Doing my Best {Transforming}

I originally planned on writing this lengthy blog. But instead I’m in bed, I fell on my way to work this morning. It knocked the breath right out of me and it took me a minute to gain my composure.   I landed on my hands and knees and I  started crying because It hurt and I felt so damn helpless.  My left knee is a little sore, but otherwise I’m ok. 

I loved the inspirational message today it really resonated within me. Well for starters my 30 days of continuous yoga ain’t happening. I got out the bat to beat myself up. But, then after reading that awesome message I realized I’m transforming, I mean I’m really creating a better version of myself. I liked the results I’m getting from the yoga so much that I’m signing up until the end of the year.  I’m learning how to heal from within. My eating habits are getting better when I allow myself to eat when hungry and not eat when I’m feeling angry, lonely, and tired. I allow myself to have a little something extra every once in a while without feeling like a failure. 

Transformation is a journey that takes you to higher and better version of yourself if you let yourself just be. 

Have so much more to share but I’ll save it for next week. 

Lost another 2 lbs.  

#psplife❤️

Nerdy

I am tired, hungry and in pain. Went to yoga, it was difficult at times because the instructor went a little fast, and I felt myself struggling  with a lot of the poses.  I am out of shape and I can’t even sit in lotus pose, and sit in a squatting position and pull myself up. I felt like crying. How did I let myself get this out of shape, I felt disgusting. But, I am better than last week and I am not giving up.

I am in pain and hurting and I am tired of feeling this way. I rubbed peppermint oil on my elbow and it’s helping. I just want to be at 100% with no pain. I am anxious to see some real results and from what I am hearing it’s going to take some time.

I am hungry and am having serious cravings, I want a slice of pizza, preferably homemade with fresh mozzarella, brocoli, onions and turkey pepperoni and a big glass of lemonade, with stevia.  LMAO.

I am tired, haven’t been sleeping good at night, have a lot on my mind. Decided to go with another contract after a year of being at my present location. It was a difficult but necessary decision.

I lost one  pound, but feeling like I want to do more, but my body says I can’t right now. I feel like I need to turn it up a notch, like I am not doing enough to reach my goals. Yoga class is cancelled this Saturday and I am starting my NueroMovement exercises with Anant Baniel.

I am committed to spending a couple of hours doing the workouts. Thankfully they are not strenuous. I did one of them and actually felt good after. I feel like the yoga, and these workouts will compliment each other. I feel good about them both; as well with my physical therapy. I think I need PT 3 times a week instead of 2.

By the end of PSP life, I want to have a lot more flexibility because I will be taking my healthy goals up a notch.

By the end of PSP life mI will be at 155 lbs and 30% body fat. My current weight is 167 lbs.

This is an excerpt from her website,

The Anat Baniel Method® is a cutting-edge, science-based NeuroMovement® approach that transforms the lives of children and adults, helping them move beyond pain and limitation.

 

 

 

Goals, Goals, and more Goals

Goal#

Day 2 of 30 days of yoga and It’s amazing. It’s a different experience from what I was expecting; it’s more about the breath and meditation then the body movement. I enrolled my daughter into doing the thirty days with me. I didn’t start on Sunday as planned because I received a surprised with a visit from my granddaughter from Maine, whom I haven’t seen since she was a baby, she is now seven years old. It was great to spend a little time with her on Sunday. I promised her mom that we would stay in touch.  Monday was my first day of physical therapy, my therapist is great, he’s hands on with me and is teaching me specific exercises which seems to be helping. This first visit took a little more time than I anticipated, so I was too late for yoga on Monday. I am finally happy that I getting back on track with my healthy goals. It feels good that I figured everything out  and was able to make necessary adjustments in creating a win-win for myself.  I am focused and determined.

Goal#2

I am happy to say that I’ve lost 9 lbs, since this cycle started. My goal wight is 155 lbs.

My stats:  9/25  weight 178   10/18 weight: 169  I did gained 5 lbs over the summer, so I am 4 lbs down from the last PSP cycle.

Did not measure my body fat yet. 9/25 body fat : 35%, which is pretty high, My end goal  for this  cycle is 30%.

My eating is going great, I do struggle with cravings at night, but I find when I eat a grapefruit, and drink a liter of water I am good.

My floor exercises for my thighs and butt area suck, I can’t seem to get on the floor.  So,   I took on the  30 day squat challenge, I don’t what’s up with me and these 30 days stints. I find that I can get stuff done if I commit to 30 days at a time. My butt and thighs are sore, but I will not stop.

Next Goal: To get certified as a weight loss instructor.

 

 

 

The universe does answer!!

This past weekend has been bananas, I had a couple of breakdowns, started feeling like I wasn’t enough, wasn’t good enough for my job, they didn’t appreciate me. Had to really step back and re-evaluate my position there and my life. I know I am enough, it’s just sometimes life sucks and you can’t take everything personal and I realize that I am enough.  You move on to the what’s next.

My goal # 1:

I also was a little sad because I thought I wouldn’t be able to start my 30 days of yoga.  After discussing with my doc, we decided that I should do both the physical therapy and the yoga.  I originally was foregoing the P.T.  Thirty days of yoga is very  personal to me. I got the idea from the yoga website, it stated first time students can purchase a thirty-day yoga card for a huge discount. I thought this would be a perfect way for me to complete something that, aligned with my health issues and goals. All I have to do is show up.  I knew it was the perfect stretch for me, because I tend to start projects than quit because I lose interest because I have no patience for the outcomes, And,  I  procrastinate big time, always waiting for the last-minute then start moving my butt. I have these great plans with little to no follow through. I want it right now and I  sometimes dread the fact that I have to do  a, b, and c to get to reach a goal and I’ll just give up. Whats different this time is who I get to be; committed, patient (with myself), powerful, and relentless.  I didn’t understand the Be, Do, Have, before the work,  but I totally get it today.  I still struggle with it, some days more than others. This stretch I will not quit, I will stay till its complete no matter what.

So, the issue that was coming up; how was I going to  do both P.T and my 30 days of  yoga.  I initially thought it couldn’t be done, because of times and travel distances. Then it occurred to me that I could switch my PT, whose in Brooklyn to a location in Manhattan near the Yoga studio, class doesn’t start until 6:15. I get out of work at 4:00, this would definitely be a possibility.  When I came home I looked on the therapist’s website because I remembered seeing a location in Manhattan and lo and behold they have an office 15 minutes from my job and, two train stops from the yoga studio.  How cool is that!! I will call the first thing in the morning to make the switch, we will see what happens. I can always switch my P.T therapist one more time. The universe does answer!!!

My goal #2:

For the most part my eating has been on point, I lost two pounds, I am doing HCG along with low-calorie diet, to jumpstart the Ketogenic. With the HCG supplement, you lose pounds and inches, it’s a very strict diet that requires a lot of discipline.  It has three phases to it; loading, doing and the maintenance. I did have a few hiccups and cheated on almonds and cashews, not so bad. Water drives the diet, I stay in the bathroom.  Phase two of this diet will be finished by the first week in November;  phase three is where  I make the full transition into a ketogenic lifestyle, this will be my new lifestyle along with Intermittent fasting. I will post my stats on pounds and inches next week.

I started my floor exercises, but I need to do at least three times a week. I’ve been procrastinating, I will commit to doing them tomorrow and Saturday.

Finally feeling like this part of my life is moving and taking shape after being stagnated for the last four months. I am moving my goal to fruition. Being healthy and looking healthy is very important to me and I’ve just begun.