Some closing thoughts

Glad to have my running back on track. I get to meet the trainer this week, and will have a full schedule as of Tuesday. Following that I’ll start my fundraising. 

Re: side gig, $, etc. – that’s all really tied to my June 2018 vision, which gets to be its own goal. 

Thankful to the planning committee for keeping us on track; to my buddy for prioritizing our calls each week; to everyone who blogged or recorded themselves and shared their journey. 

Looking forward to the next cycle and maintaining a high level of integrity for this group. Would love to see us get involved with a community project and think we should poll people in advance to get ideas of the type of projects to which the group may align. 

Greatest possibility

It’s so interesting to be in a space where I am standing for others’ greatest possibilities. Hearing what they’re saying and listening for what they are not saying, what I can deduce from their tones, their hesitations, stories, and more. I stand for them to have breakthroughs, for them to shift and see new possibilities, new relationships, new opportunities and more.

I recall frequent comments throughout my childhood probably into high school and beyond about my potential and whether -or more likely not- I was living up to that potential. In my current state I feel that question remains, although I prefer to hear it in our way of phrasing it: what is my greatest possibility? Now is the time for me to determine my greatest possibility and to pursue it with my entire being.

There are a few things that scare me about that: what if I’m wrong? What if I start to dedicate myself to something and I pursue it with gusto, vim, verve, all my energies…only to discover that I misplaced myself. The funny thing is that I rationally say “so what? I’ll no doubt have discovered something amazing on that journey and learned some wonderful things that will enrich my life.” Moreover, I was one of those people that laughed the other week at Donald Trump’s comment about not exercising to conserve his limited energy…that’s not how I view myself and my world – I have lots of energy to put into the initiatives I desire and there’s nothing to be scared of from pursuing what appears to be a legitimate and rewarding course of action. 

There’s a related fear of trusting myself to make the right decision – not a question of right/wrong, but of needing to rely on myself to make the call. 3+ years ago this was a big test for me and I fell into the trust, surrounded by a supporting team in LP. This time around I get to do that again, relying on the past results of what I’ve created my relationship with my own word and with Naomi’s support. 

There’s the fear of failure – which I discussed a few cycles ago when Brandy and I were buddies – and in which I notes that this fear is so insidious that it’s self-fulfilling: until I actually start something, I have automatically failed to launch a venture.

Which is why I texted a friend who has some great contacts in the tech space to set up a time to talk and get ideas of opportunities that I think would be a fit for me. Not to have her decide for me, as much as let me know what what openings or great companies she knows and would recommend. 

My greatest possibility? Not fully sure yet, but I’m working on it. 

Re: first goal – getting back on the horse. Eliane asked me a couple weeks ago when a holiday was coming up about what plan I had to manage my eating habits and exercise and any support I preferred. I foolishly replied that I was going to enjoy it and ride it out.

That set me back a while, plus a busy month at work, plus staffing = little exercise for 2+ weeks. Got back out there today and looking forward to meeting with my marathon trainer. 

Have a great week all!

Standing for others

The last few days (and for the next week or so) I had the amazing opportunity once again to walk into the training room and stand for others to examine themselves, look deeply, generate awareness of themselves, their viewpoints/windshield of life & to lower the water on their mind’s iceberg (choose any jargon you prefer or are familiar with).

I’ve found that there is an enormous influence on the staffing team based on the trainer, the trainer’s ‘come from’ as well as level of experience. This was not a hiccup-free 5 days, and yet there was practically no drama. Breakdowns were handled quickly & efficiently, and without an impact on the students, allowing them to have a seamless classroom experience. Multiple times I found myself grateful for that attitude and presence as it made me far more likely to wish to staff again in the future.

June is an incredibly busy month at work – we’re in our last month of our fiscal year end, and we’re still generating tons of new dollars to our 2017 annual campaign. I looked at my work calendar this afternoon, and the only 2 weeknights that I would have had free without a work event for the 2.5 weeks are also filled – one with Thursday evening’s guest event, and one for a friend’s 30th birthday party (yay, non-work events!).

One of the side impacts – aside from how tiring this relentless pace of work feels – is that I can’t staff the Advanced with them. This was my 3rd Basic and I’ve staffed a teen training, and so I feel fairly comfortable in the room – I know what processes and experiences the training offers, I’ve seen a variety of reactions, and from the staff’s perspective it’s a fairly mechanical process.

Advanced, on the other hand, still gives me goosebumps. I’ve only staffed it once, and that’s nearly 2 years ago. I get nervous AND excited thinking about it, and I feel like it challenges my self-trust…what should I say, how should I react, etc. Interestingly enough, my reasoning goes both ways:

  1. The very concept that there’s ONE THING that I’m supposed to say is a little preposterous. People’s reactions and experiences relate to a variety of exercises and to their willingness to examine themselves and open up to feedback and new possibilities. And yet..
  2. I remember feedback I received in Advanced 3+ years ago, so there’s a good reason to believe that how I interact with people will be remembered by them for a long time. Ergo, I ‘better get it right!’

Anyway, my LP buddy (and Kyla’s Advanced buddy) asked me tonight what I got out of training for me – what breakthroughs for myself. In the training there was a big push toward developing & clarifying a new vision for June 2018 – what major goals do I wish to set for a year from now. With that, I can attach my word, my commitment, beliefs & intention, and craft the specific actions I need to take to make it a reality.

I’m excited to say that I’m on the quest for my June 2018 vision, and while I cannot announce it tonight, I will be giving myself 1 month to early July to define & refine that vision so that it calls me forward in this big way.

That’s my big goal 2 update.

Goal 1 – not much happened this week given the training, however I did walk 3+ miles at a brisk pace 2x over Shabbat to get there & back…unsurprisingly, my legs hurt in a different way afterward. I’m going to give myself a couple days to recover, and plan for a late Wed night run (once it cools off) to get back on track.

Love you all, and looking forward to catching up on life.

H-bomb

Lethargy

Just back home from an 8 day trip (sooo fun!), but feeling exhausted and lethargic. Had a wonderful time with family and friends: enjoyed delicious food, had great conversations & connected with lots of folks, played games, and even stayed up late with a religious study session – all in all, really excellent!
Today Naomi and I saw Come From Away, about a story that I hadn’t previously heard related to a small town in Canada that hosted thousands of people for about a week after 9/11 and the US closed it’s airspace. Fantastic show – highly recommend!

That said, I’m crashing as I write this and feeling detached from my goals for the moment. Accepting that rather than trying to fight it as I know tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to shine. 

I don’t have much to talk about related to my goals at the moment – I seem to have taken a little bit of some time off from them. 

Committing to hit the gym tonight before bed. Naomi prepared a lunch for me tomorrow (thanks!) as we return to normal life and eating habits. 

Related to my second goal, the question pivoted. Front and center for me (vs some side money) is the question of what is in my future for my career? Once again my relationship with my supervisor is on the rocks, and I’m reminded how little interest I have been keeping up this regular dance we do. 

This question is underpins the inspiration for this second goal, although I slyly couched it in other terms, and made the focus additional $ instead of career…well, now that’s an opportunity to reexamine and shift. 

I applied for a new job on Tuesday and will continue to explore opportunities that I believe will be a fit. I’m somewhat apprehensive (my go-to is I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up), but I feel better about starting this search, knowing that I am secure for the time being (wonders of belonging to a union), and that security provides a freedom that allows me to determine a fitting next step. 

For those feeling a bit of a cycle lull, myself included, I encourage us all to examine what we’re in for, what’s on the the other side, and choose to be reinvigorated. 

Hadar – Athentic Self Exploration Coming Up

First goal – going ok. As Brandy wrote, I’m jumping around a little bit, but will be making up some lagging items this week – declaring now to draft letters to fundraiser for the marathon this Tuesday. Naomi and I are spending the holiday weekend with cousins in Baltimore, and will then be at a lake in PA for the rest of the week. There is a 2-day holiday Wed-Thurs this week and we have 13 friends coming with us as well. 

I’m committed to being healthy throughout this process, including watching my portions, limiting my overall caloric intake, eating healthily, and getting in exercise. 

If anyone has experienced our holidays or Shabbats, you’ll know that this can be a bit of a challenge. Hard-core exercising is discouraged, we have 4 big meals that go one for hours, and a lot of time is also relegated to being in synagogue. The meals themselves are essentially big holiday (Thanksgiving) meals and because they’re in celebration, we usually go all out with yummy food. So…I get to be focused on my long-term goals. 

Lastly, a friend suggested I increase my runs to 4 runs a week, and based on how today’s run went here in B’more (I couldn’t breathe it was so muggy, needed to take a 3 breaks!), I am going to increase to 4, but over time. 

Ugh. Could. Not. Breathe.

Goal 2 – picking up the theme of Forgiveness from last week. In Basic I remember so clearly my experience from exercises that had me connect with myself as a child. First, I was destroyed. I bawled the entire break and that’s when Ralph and I first connected – he came over and sat next to me, just put an arm over my shoulder and let me continue to cry away. 

My reaction was that I didn’t want to throw me as an adult – all my frustrations, disappointments, failures, and regrets onto me as a child. I had so many guilty associations and negative views that I had to move past.

Some of the issues related to having a consulting business that never took off, delaying starting a family, feeling like I had no career and no clear path or direction in life…in short, I was feeling a little lost, and really didn’t want to impose that future on 3-year old, innocent and full-of-potential me. 

Over the next 4 months, I went to work on myself, finding my diamond, being vulnerable and connected, trusting myself, stepping into my courage and with an openness and love for so many new aspects of life. 

I connected with not only an amazing Wolfpack, but also with my wife in new ways, and with so many friends and past colleagues who were happy to make introductions and help me with my professional goals. 

I reconnected with myself, tuning into what types of work and environments I was most interested in pursuing. 

Come 3rd Weekend, I had a completely different reaction – I was lovingly looking forward to another opportunity to revisit myself as a child. 
There was a lot of forgiveness that went into this process, as mug as there was for the other items mentioned above. 

All this is to say that I have not been paying attention to what lifted me from where I was in Basic to where I ended up on 3rd Weekend. I’ve been casual with many of the ways of being that allowed for my transformation, and as I think of this goal in front of me, I find myself regressing at points: being scared of moving forward, wanting to have it all figured out, not trusting myself to understand it/make the right decisions/finish what I began. 

It’s time to return to the ways of being that serve me and halt the side conversations that seek to deter me. I have big dreams and desires, and I get to make them a reality instead of stand in their way. I get to align myself to achieve my goals. Operation goal alignment is hereby underway! 

Hadar – Forgiveness

I have a gym tutorial class scheduled for tomorrow evening and this morning I got in my 7+ mile run!

What’s funny is that despite getting in the distance I wanted at the pace I wanted, I still almost feel like I cheated myself simply because I chose to run along the reservoir for a good chunk of the mileage instead of the normal path. The reservoir path is fairly flat whereas the park loop has hills, which I elected to avoid today.


The idea that I am holding something against myself ties nicely with the opportunity I have for a breakthrough with my second goal. Naomi and I discussed what was coming up for me and we also compared it to my experience in the original Journey (starting with Basic) as well as the similarities or differences between the 2.

Naomi asked what would allow me to shift and create the opportunities that I want, in whatever industry they may be in or form they may take, and I couldn’t come up with an answer. My gut even went so far as to prefer that I ditch the goal to avoid the heaviness around it. Needless to say, I understood that the crux of her question was how I could move myself to a place where pursuing the activities and the doing around the goal was light and fun for me.

I could not determine an answer, and the benefit of having a wonderfully intuitive spouse and having an openness in communication with that person is that, unlike a coach, they sometimes give you the answer. In this case, Naomi felt and it felt so accurate as soon as she said it, that I need to forgive myself for anything where I may be judging myself – perhaps for lost wages from past years, for knowing that I’m not maximizing my earnings potential now, for any number of things.

I have undoubtedly been making this goal and everything related to it into ‘have tos’ and that has generated an inordinate amount of resistance to pursuing it. Accepting that I can’t change the past is a great affirmation for me, as is knowing that the future is full of possibility. Additionally, that possibility is one that I can chase, I can work to create it, and I can have fun with it…but if I leave it as a heavy have to, none of it will actualize. 

So with that, I’m asking for support – anyone have any good self-forgiveness exercises? Thanks in advance!

Hadar- Shift may happen, but dang if it’s slow sometimes

Goals so far:
1. Marathon & Fitness – Overall going well, but I hit a slight holding pattern after going to an orthopedist this week for my back and being sent for an MRI. She’s concerned that the training, which will be high-impact, may have a negative effect on my back, which is already causing me some pain. TBD.
In the meantime, I’ve held of from finalizing the last part of my registration and drafting emails to fundraise…but I may make that decision soon enough anyway if I can’t get a follow-up appointment quickly enough. From my perspective, I’m in it to win it, but not if my Dr says not to. If she says it’s my call and she doesn’t think I’ll hurt myself I’m good to go!
I continued my training today with my 6 mile run (not the actual loop, but I did get in the distance AND at a pretty even pace per mile, see below).  I also schedule a time with Brandy for tomorrow to learn how to use the machines in my building’s gym for strengthening my upper body and other various body part not getting exercised by running.  Thank you Brandy!! I’m excited to learn what all those mysterious machines mean.
🤔
For now I’m going to hold off buying a heart rate monitor as my approach is really distance-based rather than ‘optimal heart-rate’ based.
The area where I’ve been half-assing this goal is getting my meals set up each week in advance. I’ve been pretty good about making and bringing salad for lunch and increasing my fruit, veggie & water intake, but I’m not yet planning a week’s meals, and so I’m not really getting the variety I would prefer in my meals.
Hadar 6.1 miles
Goal 1 Rating – 80% of where I want to be…not so bad!
Goal 2 – Sourcing Side income
I haven’t yet followed up with the woman I contacted about buying her share of a family trust…she blew me off in a way that both made me feel like I want to pursue, but also in a way that made me think it will never go anywhere. I definitely have a lot more to pursue with this goal.
I will say that I’ve started to pull out my phone as I walk around Manhattan and everyone time I notice a low (1-2 story) building not connected to a large tower I take a picture of it.
That said, I’m going to dive into a bit into what’s underneath this goal for me.
First, I have a basis for the type of life I want my family to have, and a large part of it is set by the experiences I had as a kid. We had enough food and clothing as we needed it, lived in a house, we were a two-car family, we attended Jewish schools from K-12 + gap year abroad & college, we had family vacations, we had a summer cottage, and probably a lot of other things that I’m taking for granted. It was a really wonderful, idyllic way to grow up, and I want to be able to provide a similar experience for my family.
The costs for doing that, I feel, have skyrocketed to the absurd. I went to no-frills schools (mix of what was available, educational philosophy, and other), but in the mid-90’s, my high school was likely ~$15K a year, and nowadays that would likely be closer to $25K. Forget high school – a friend was telling me back in 2009, the year we got married – that the cheapest kindergarten in Northern NJ was $14K a  year.
So freaking out a little is only a bit on my radar.
I’m thankful that I have a job I enjoy. It’s one in which I feel that I’m able to pursue good things for the world, develop my skills, build a new revenue stream for an organization and remain in the conversations related to tech…all in all, really rewarding. That’s not even touching the amazing benefits of health insurance coverage in today’s crazy world. And yet…I wonder. I have an MBA from Columbia and have in the past made more than I’m making now. I have the capability and capacity to earn more, and these are my prime earning years.
Yes, it’s nice and wonderful to enjoy your job, but sometimes, that’s not always the important part of life (see K’s post from last week for a similar idea). At what point am I doing my family and our future a disservice by not pushing myself to maximize my revenue and earnings potential right now?
There’s a significant part of this goal that’s coming as a way to try and play both sides – I can stay in my role, while also pursuing a way to earn more money for my family. I can’t tell if I’m saying this just so I can comfort and console myself, or if I’m serious about it. Moreover, at times I get really frustrated with myself for not having clarity for myself around this issue, around what I want to do, or so much more.
I work for a well-known organization, and one of the many benefits if that people are always trying to hire people away from the company. I’ve had a number of head hunters reach out to me, but because I’m now doing non-profit fundraising, all the roles that are coming my way are in the non-profit, fundraising space, and I’m honestly not yet convinced that’s what I want to do with my life.
There’s also a piece of this that picks up on my relationship with my dad. He’s fantastic. No question and hands down. I state regularly that many of my friends stay close to me just so they can hang out with him. He’s cool, quick, gets it, amazing story/joke teller, great listener, and just generally someone that people enjoy spending time with. My dad and uncle took over my grandparents’ business and ran it until they sold off pieces and closed down the rest. I’ve grown up in a very entrepreneurial household and feel that running my own business is somehow in my blood – and yet, I feel endlessly frustrated at trying to come up with an idea that I feel sufficiently energized by or that I think is big enough to pursue.
In the interim, I don’t do anything. I’m so frozen by my question of my own future success or failure (and failure to live up to my image of my dad in my head) that I refuse to act, often even refuse to get down into the question of where my passions lie that I may wish to pursue (Kyla brought this up when reviewing my PSP).
I’m also scared to face the question – what if I can’t point to any of my interest areas as a passion that I want to pursue? For example, I love cooking…do I REALLY  want to open a restaurant?
But the flip side of that question is, if I don’t work for myself, then what type of work am I actually going to do? When I leave my org, do I go back to consulting? It’s been so many years that my skills are raw. Do I do as the head-hunters prefer, and take another role at another organization?
I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer so many of these questions, and right now they ALL feel like HAVE tos. Last week was a sucky week for a bunch of reasons, some work, some not – and a part of it was that I’ve been feeling the miserable part of this goal and I haven’t yet figured out how to tackle it in a positive, reinforcing, GET to fashion.
I need to do some major shifting here, and also some real heart and soul searching. I’m open to ideas for frameworks, books, quizzes, etc. that can assist, although I know that the answer must come from me if it is to be authentic & genuine, and one that I will feel energized (good one Eliane!) to pursue.
In the meantime, I will share that Naomi and I had portraits with Joanna tonight and we’re really excited to see how they will turn out!
Wishing everyone a great week and a strong start to Week 3 of 8!