Soooo….as I described in my last post, I was out of integrity at work before I left for my trip abroad and putting aside my authentic initiatives to pickup the pieces, there were both consequences and feedback at work when I returned.
First, the consequences – I was given an official verbal note (parenthetically, it was written, not verbal), and that is the first of 3 motions that go into place before anything can occur due to my union classification. In addition, I’m on my boss’s S-List, which is absolutely sucky because it’s a) the type of behavior that’s most likely to have him be borderline verbally abusive, and -even without the borderline abuse- b) the type of behavior from him that I tend to resist most.
His feedback though was actually on point – he said that I’ve been approaching this position like it’s my job, not like it’s my career. I come in, do some stuff and get things done, but there’s no sense like I am making this my own, taking ownership and feeling like I’m making this my future.
He’s right about that – ever since I discovered just how little autonomy I have in this role (you know, 3.5 years ago, my first week on the job), I’ve continued to pull back in a major way from how I originally wanted to approach this role. It’s disappointing for me because I had high hopes for what I wanted to fashion in this position – in fact, I chose to apply for this role over another, higher-level role specifically because this one seemed open to being formed and fashioned whereas the other seemed to need a manager to continue what was already designed previously.
It’s strange to have the person who his limited my autonomy tell me that he feels that I approach my job without ownership, but that’s the funnily odd-shaped bridge that I get to walk.
In terms of my goals, not much happened this week. I’ve been holding off on goal #1 for a little bit longer (because the cycle ends really soon, so why not keep holding off), and for goal #2, I feel less like I really created the space for Naomi to feel loved than I hoped for.
We got in a lot of wonderful family time, had some time for ourselves too, and yet, I feel like I’m letting her down, and that stinks…but I get to look at it and re-approach. When I was in Israel I had a few experiences that hurt as much as I enjoyed them…I visited with one of my best childhood friends who lives in a beautiful apt just outside Tel Aviv and he and his wife just had their 4th kid; I also connected with one of my college roommates who married a cousin of mine (ok, I set them up), and they’re building a home in the Israeli countryside and their 6th kid is now 9 months old.
It was wonderful to see them, visit with them and reconnect. And it hurt like heck when I felt lost relative to them – no clear sense of career direction, no home, no kids.
And then I reflected on the fact that I have a most amazing wife, I have a great apt and community, food in my stomach and money in the bank, and more good things in life to come. So while I may not have all that I once dreamed that I would by this stage, I’m thankful for the life that I have, for my accomplishments, friends, family, community, and for Naomi who is my rock through it all.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday weekend!