Moments of joy.

It’s been a week and we still haven’t fixed our apartment wifi! So tonight I got responsible and came home early, took my laptop across the street and am working at my other home, Whole Foods. This place got me through grad school!

My small group decided to do a quick check in tonight as the cycle wraps up. It still continues to amaze me how quickly we can get back into the work, connect and explore ourselves. Since our closing meeting is coming up I’ll save cycle-end reflections and just check in on the week.

It was a good week, with lots of joy/happy/fun moments again. I feel so lucky for that!! A lot of that is living in New York, I feel like, with access to social events and community and a vibrant city. I joined Hadar at a work event and had fun bonding with his (slightly nutty) colleagues, went to a night of philanthropy and saw one of my closest friends win the grand prize with tears in her eyes!, spent some beautiful hours outside with friends and margaritas, went to a pool party birthday and a crazy bar mitzvah party! It’s definitely June, and I get a ton of energy from these events.

Hadar and I also had a coffee date with a mentor of mine/ours, and it was so special. She’s smart and thoughtful and fun (she’s probably in her 60s and decided to do a triathlon to meet new people in her town) and it was nice to have such easy conversation.

And, I declared to my buddy that I would go for a jog and I did, on Sunday! the reason that was so significant for me is that it was the first jog in many many months, before the IVF cycle. I have been avoiding going since because it was painful to run (I won’t get into the gory details). But, it really didn’t hurt anything other than my legs and it was great to get out there, even for a short time. My soreness the next day was a good thing!

I also mentioned on the chat that I went low sugar this week and felt really good for 3 days – i love how a change can make me feel different in a day! Then I consciously chose to have a margarita last night (I’ve gotta get these drinks in while I can, before I have to cut them out again in a few weeks) AND to me, margaritas represent fun and summer and relaxation. Guess I get to look at other ways to achieve that 🙂

Now I feel pretty awful, to be honest – this morning I felt sick and it took half the day to feel like myself – once I was already past 2 important meetings. So I get to take better care of myself. I think it’s not just the margarita, and I look forward to feeling better hopefully tomorrow. Planning to go to bed early tonight as tomorrow is another crazy day wrapping up a really busy week.

In these last few days of the cycle, I get to find some downtime on shabbat to relax, spend some good time with friends and welcome my parents (and my patience) on Sunday! Thanks all for another amazing cycle, and looking forward to #11 (we’re well into double digits now).

 

Joy of Connection

Truth is, I was running late from 1 pm on yesterday. I was two minutes late to start a client webinar, and was casual when my colleague wanted to start the next meeting late. I was 15 minutes late to meet a friend who’s visiting from Israel, and then 4 minutes late submitting a proposal when I got back to the office. I was 25 min late in calling my former colleague who wanted job advice, and 10 minutes late meeting my friend for drinks. And, you know how the story ended – got home at 11:45 and hadn’t started blogging. And when the internet was out – I wasn’t up for scrambling to find another way to do it in time, and wanted to be able to really blog as I enjoy it and believe I contribute to the team.

I do believe I handled it responsibly and in integrity last night, but I could have been way more committed and way less casual all day long. I actually am concerned I’m picking up on the late/out of integrity culture at my office that I mentioned in an earlier post. The lateness with the work commitments I mentioned above stemmed from my boss’s extreme lateness – but I still could have managed it differently. If it is to be, it’s up to me!

So – my week, my goals. I had a LOT of joyful experiences this week as a result of lots of friend and community time. I love that this goal allowed me to reflect on why joy is important to me as I was going through the week! Over the weekend I went to a friends’ going away party in the park, combining great people and sunshine. We had another wedding on Sunday and experienced the joy of a friend we’ve known for a long time. Monday was the annual event for my old organization, and it was really fun to see former colleagues and friends and also – once again – to not be the one running the organization anymore. Seriously – that is unbridled joy (in addition to extreme relief).

Wednesday night may have taken the cake – we had a mini reunion with 4 of my very close friends from high school, with one visiting from Israel and one from Dallas. It’s been almost 20 years and it felt like NOTHING had changed. I love these ladies and don’t spend enough time feeling grateful for them and making a genuine place in my life for them. It was also gratifying and enlightening to see what unique joys and challenges they’re each encountering in their lives.

And yesterday, as I walked into work in the beautiful weather and realized it was Thursday night, I thought – what a great night for a margarita. I thought about my friend R who I’d love to meet up with, haven’t seen for a few months, but she is ALWAYS busy. Didn’t even reach out. And then – 2 pm – she texted to see if I wanted to meet for margaritas! She’s into ‘manifesting’ and she said I did just that 😉

I do love people and parties and getting together with friends. in the past I’ve focused on how it fulfills my extraverted self, and how I need downtime as well to feed my other introverted being. But it’s deeper than just fun and energy. It is really joyful to be in connection with people and in relationship with people – it’s what life is all about!

I was able to connect with a friend who is in the earlier phases of miscarriages/complications, and I’m the only one she knows who is experiencing something similar. As she said, it is heartbreaking, and I am so grateful that I have a community of support around it. Really happy to be able to support her in this way.

As for my patience/meditation, I found myself catching my impatient moments and working to shift. That’s an awesome start. I haven’t gotten into meditation and have largely not done it this last week. I did, however, start two mornings playing pick-me-up songs in bed before getting up and loved it! Maybe that’s a better ritual for me. I’m not attached to the mechanism I use for this goal, but I do like structure and routine, which is why i thought meditation/using an app would be easy. But it’s not all about easy! I’ve gotta find what’s right for me.

Off to a coffee meeting with a mentor (Hadar won me raffle tickets for it, and he’s joining!), some work to do, and then off to Scarsdale for a Bar Mitzvah. Even though sunshine will be limited this shabbat, I’m looking forward to being around the joy of the amazing bar mitzvah family.

Thanks for your support in helping me get my blog done today!

Never a dull moment

It feels like SO MUCH happened this week, it’s crazy. When I last left you with my overly chill blog post, we were headed into a quiet weekend at the lake with just Hadar and his dad (which is basically Hadar squared). It was really nice and fun, with the exception of being triggered by a reaaaaaally aggressive/angry guy who recently married our friend. Oysh.

Sunday morning we raced out of town to make it back in time for the Broadway show Hadar mentioned called Come From Away. It was incredible. I’m actually listening to the soundtrack right now. Monday night we had a wedding of a longtime friend and it was so nice to see her so happy. She has a 10-year old nephew who has been sick with cancer for about a year…she happens to be an oncology nurse and has been an unbelievable support to him. Watching him walk slowly down the aisle in a walker, there was not a dry eye in the room. And experiencing his mother throughout the wedding was really touching. And in a way, it added an element….the bride is about 14 years older than the groom, which was quite the talk of the town when they started dating, but it sort of drove home the message that life is short….do what makes you happy.

Tuesday was a busy busy work day followed by fro yo with a friend, and Wednesday was my procedure. Thank you to all of you for your love and support, it really helped me feel not alone! This is the third procedure I’ve had of this type over the last few years, and though I went in thinking no big deal, I’ve done this before, I found myself getting really freaked out right before it started. My new doctor is so sweet and said ‘I’m going to do this as gently as humanly possible’ and he just made me feel really safe.

I also took care of step one of breaking up with my other clinic, which was basically a nothing (yet I had been avoiding it). Next up is emailing my doctor and letting him know I’m switching to the clinic he badmouthed.

Today was another busy work day, and though I was tempted to stay late and get stuff done, I knew I had lots of errands to run for myself. Hadar is out staffing the Basic this week (so inspiring to hear him taking his 7 coaching calls each day! not listening to the actual content, don’t worry..). With him gone all hours it’s easy to let time pass and do nothing, but I’m doing my best to get stuff done and provide support to him during a super busy time.

Some things I noticed about myself this week:

I get FOMO easily. I found myself getting distracted at the Lake weekend and wondering what other conversations were about. It’s not a great quality, and I could definitely stand to be more present.

I really have very little trouble asking for support, and I don’t know any other way than to share what’s going on with me. I’m definitely not saying I’m a super open or vulnerable person, because I’m not, but I can’t imagine NOT sharing some of the medical and emotional stuff going on with you guys or with work colleagues, because it allows me to feel like I can be ‘off’ if I need to be. It also gave me the freedom to not work most of yesterday and to prompt comments from my colleagues that I was crazy for coming in late yesterday afternoon.

More to come…

As for my goals, it is interesting how differently joy will show up given the circumstance. Joy was everywhere last week, with the sunshine, the vacation, connecting with friends etc. That’s where it’s easy. This week I definitely had lots of pockets of joy throughout a busy week, and I largely made them happen. What’s challenging is shifting or finding joy in an otherwise joyless or stressful situation. N in my small group asked if I could just ‘decide’ something is joyful, and it is. I tried that on during a suuuuuper stressful car ride last week to Baltimore, when it took us 2 hours to get out of Manhattan and we ended up showing up 5 minutes after shabbat started (a big no-no). Definitely no joy in that for me. But also – I don’t think that’s my goal here. Shifting is one thing; I am looking to cultivate joy – not every second, but regularly in my life. Authenticity is part of it.

I declared I would add a meditation routine this week, i.e. meditate at the same time each day – nighttime. I have and it has been helpful with my sleeping…though last night after mentioning to my buddy that I would spend time on Sunday building a good meditation library, I skipped last night! Didn’t even realize until now.

Unrelatedly, I also followed up on two big items on my finance list, and will be transferring over my retirement fund from my old job to a new platform!! So happy I’m taking care of this rather than letting thousands of dollars sit until I forget about them!

Whenever i start blogging I don’t know where it’s going to go, and I enjoy that journey! Thank you for being along for the ride. It’s joyful for me. For this week I’m taking on some good book reading and TV time (i hardly ever do either!), my meditation library and starting to plan an itinerary for our trip!

Feelin more myself

So as you know, I love my job. LOVE. The work, the people, etc. We had a staff day this week at Governors Island – a mix of volunteering, work and fun. And I just enjoyed being with my team so much!!

The head of my practice, J, is awesome. Super fun, talented, brilliant, a master salesperson and nurturing. She’s kind of the momma bear of the team. She has some similarities to Gloria – both good and bad. Major promoter. Looooves the work and wants to be involved with every part of it. (She can’t stay away from it). Great enroller and relationship builder. And – thankfully – not a micro-manager and happy to empower others to step up. She’s also super nurturing and supportive around my IVF stuff.

But – is constantly out of integrity. Like – all of the time. No regard for deadlines or being her word. She is super aware of this, actually, and knows the root of her issue is over-promising. She always says yes without thinking about what it will take to do something, and then is ALWAYS late. Causes our whole team of 9 to be bottlenecked constantly and missing client deadlines. It all came to a head this week when she sunk into a huge hole of deadlines and we didn’t let her attend our staff day…(yes, we have that relationship with her).

This is the one area at work I’m reaaaaally struggling with. I am my word – not 100% of the time, but as a person I am someone who keeps my word. (Right?? Let me know if I’m unaware here!!) I also get seriously nervous when I’m late with something (I get it from my mom, who – as Hadar says – shows up for the Megabus early enough to take the hour-earlier bus).

Today our nerds ran into each other. We’ve been promising a prospective client (who we should work to impress even more than an existing client!!) a final proposal for DAYS. I sent it to J 3 days ago, 90% complete, and needed her to add a few things. When the client checked in on it Wednesday, J said she would have it to her ‘in 5 minutes.’ Not sure what possessed her to say that. That turned into ‘tonight.’ ‘tomorrow morning.’ ‘mid-morning today!’ ‘later today!’ Fast forward to this morning when I woke up and still no email. I pushed her to do the last few things and I sent it off.

A bit later, she took a closer look and found some mistakes. Things I wouldn’t know. We had a brief back and forth on email (she’s out of town) and this was the line that really sealed the deal. Reminded me just how different people are. She wrote ‘I want to make sure that we never sacrifice accuracy just to meet a deadline ok?’

JUST to meet a deadline…

Of course, accuracy should be king too!! They are both crucial.

We had a good convo and she later said to me ’I sincerely appreciate this!  I need to help make it possible for us to meet client deadlines.  We can’t actually function in a culture that doesn’t take deadlines seriously… you are masterful at that and I truly appreciate it.’

So, next I did what I’ve thought about many times since meeting her…I invited her to take the Basic in June!! I really wish I had brought this up in person….of course much more authentic to enroll that way. She wrote back right away, and I won’t share her words because they’re more personal – but she was super jazzed about it and shared that she just hired an exec coach to help her with these areas. She also shared a vulnerable moment and wanted to continue the convo…I really appreciate her openness.

I’ll also acknowledge myself for having an enrollment conversation with my 60-year-old boss’s boss who I just started working with 3 months ago!

Also – note above that J was picking up on my impatience, the (lack of) virtue I am committed to working on this cycle. It’s true – for me – done is better than perfect. Always. (She’s actually said she notices this is my mantra, and she admires it). To me, things will never be perfect and it’s better to be your word and stay in action in life. You get something done, you get feedback, you do another iteration. You live and you learn.

So she’s committed to ‘breaking the cycle’ as she mentioned to me regarding being her word. What am I committed to?? Noticing when I’m impatient and exploring my way of being. Seeing what’s out for me. What are the prices I’m paying. And what might I create by infusing patience into my life??

On other fronts, I am in a much better place than the first two weeks of the cycle. Finally finally got clearance to move on in IVF-land. Very close to booking our vacation!!! This was a big goal of mine this cycle! The reason it was a goal is because – as much as I love vacation – every year when we plan one, big or small, we drag our feet, get stressed, fall prey to airline ridiculousness, debate whether we’re really going, etc etc. So I made it a goal and we are finally getting closer!

Putting it into the universe – we will book a 10 day trip to Iceland and Cophenhagen!!! I can’t wait. More to come on that.

Tonight is blog night, small group meeting night and buddy check in. thank you all for the support! Loved our game night and am truly grateful for this community. In general I feel like I have been connecting with people more authentically recently, and was really conscious of that both in my team retreat yesterday and with the many many people i’ve been meeting and talking to through ivf groups.

I’m still struggling in the sleep arena – woke up at 6 am today and yesterday and end up exhausted by the end of the day. I know more meditation would probably help…and I’m doing some…but now I think is the time to add consistency.

I also finally conquered my resistance to acupuncture and called a bunch of places to find a good insurance match. Similar process to what Josh went through this week – but I will prevail! Thank you also EP for your ideas.

Looking forward to a week away in Baltimore and Scranton with friends and family. And will chase my sunshine!

The support balance

I’m part of a few Facebook groups that I find so enriching it’s incredible. For the most part I don’t know the members in real life, but we share something deep.

One group is called ED Happy Hour – for nonprofit executive directors across the country. People share updates, ask for advice and complain about their boards.

​There’s a lot of great humor too (one time I laughed so hard I cried reading about someone who took on an ED role and two months in, found out about a ‘surprise employee’ that she didn’t know existed at the organization. She thought she was the only staff member. You can’t make this stuff up. (Everyone’s reaction was – maybe I have a surprise staff member!! that would make my job a lot easier!)

​When the sh** was hitting the fan at my last job, I so badly wanted to share my predicament with the group and get some advice and support, but I held back because a few of my clients and partners were members of the group and I didn’t want to jeopardize the organization. While ultimately the big lesson that I learned from leaving that job was that I had to put myself first, there were other ways to do that responsibly, and I did.

Now I’m still a part of the group and follow the posts partially for my own catharsis (I am sooo relieved to not be running an organization anymore) and partially for professional learning. (The primary group of people I work with as a consultant is nonprofit EDs – just now I’m on the other side, blissfully).

I’m also part of a few Facebook groups for people going through IVF and other fertility related treatments, and they are mostly super helpful. Also sometimes overwhelming and depressing. One group that I’m a part of was started by someone in my orbit – aka a NYC Jew – so while I don’t know her I know a few people in the group and am one or two degrees removed from many of the others. This builds a level of shared experience and trust that I find settling. Yet sometimes I still hesitate before sharing with the group because I know some of these people – do I really want to share the crap I’m going through/admit to the tough times we’ve had?

There’s often a level of shame a lot of people talk about when going through fertility challenges and miscarriages. I don’t even love saying we have ‘fertility challenges’ or ‘problems’ because…it feels shameful for some reason. It’s totally not our fault and is just sucky luck, but it can be isolating. I never thought I would need to do IVF, let alone do it and have it fail.

Brene Brown talks about shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

I don’t feel unworthy of connection or even unworthy at all – but I do hold back from it sometimes, and I’m not sure why.

Not only are my fellow Facebookers going through the same thing, but many have been in it for longer or have experienced more heartbreak! (e.g. quantitatively…10 failed rounds of IVF, 7 years without success etc etc).

So it’s a process…taking the leap, reminding myself that giving into shame is lonely, and being open and honest creates connection and growth.

A few weeks ago when I had a crappy experience with my current doctor bashing my future doctor and giving opposite advice, I went to the FB group for answers and got a ton! Advice, support, and validation that doctor A was treating me crappily and was super unprofessional – and that I was smart to leave him.

One member of the group started chatting with me on FB and told me about a support group she goes to on the UWS. I decided to check it out last night. It’s one thing to seek support from behind the safety of a computer screen; it’s another to confront your pain in person with strangers.

Yet as I walked in the room I noticed, not for the first time, how little social anxiety I tend to have in life. (I am so thankful for this). I easily meet new people, speak publicly, etc. I assume people will like me. But the underside of this is that I care if people like me, and I am good at showing just enough of myself to be super likable, but not enough that I connect deeply so easily.

The support group looked and felt initially like the groups you see on TV. A dingy room in a YMCA with uncomfortable chairs and people looking around awkwardly. Most people looked older than me, and as the first person started sharing her sad 7 year journey I thought…why am I here? I am totally not coming back. Who needs this kind of depression?

Yet as more people shared the tone got more comfortable (in my experience…I think the regulars probably felt comfortable all along) and I loved the way the de facto facilitator ran the group. (She’s been involved for almost 10 years and ultimately had twins with donor eggs). It was not just empathy and support and ‘that sucks’ as people spoke. It was practical, with people brainstorming and problem solving, and the facilitator gently but confidently summarizing what each person was moving toward in the coming weeks. There was a healthy balance of cynicism and hope, and all kinds of incredible stories (e.g. one woman turning to her sister to be an egg donor after many years without success. And then the discomfort of hearing about them negotiating about splitting the eggs, etc).

I met the woman who told me about the group there and we walked home together. 35 blocks in the extreme heat with a stop for ice cream, and lots of pauses at street corners as we shared our stories, frustrations and bits of humor. She is hilarious and ridiculous – I like those people (in small doses). And yet she said to me ‘I’m miserable, Naomi. You just don’t know me.’ She’s 44 and has been in this mess for years.

While I do have a few friends who I’m sharing this experience with, I’m only intermittently in contact with them, and to be honest – they’re all pregnant now. That makes it harder.

So the support helps. A lot. But at the same time – I’m starting to feel supported-out. Over the last week I’ve had several intense conversations with other people in this boat. Then the meeting last night, and dinner tonight with someone who went to a fertility clinic and is now a pregnant single mom-to be.  It’s intense, and feels obsessive at times. I feel like almost all I talk about with Hadar is this, and I am sooo over it. I miss my blissfully ignorant days.

That’s why I had a joy goal, right?? And a meditation goal? To lighten things up/find some peace? Take a break from the blood tests and heartache?

Yet I’m not dong so much with these goals. A bit here and there. Doing different meditations from Insight Timer. Sitting in my garden earlier this week with a book. Pictures with Joanna that were fun and goofy and romantic (can’t wait to see them). It’s not that I’m not interested in joy or meditation, it’s that I don’t always think to meaningfully infuse them in my life. I know there are structures I could put into place here – but I feel like it’s probably more of a being issue.

Hadar is also running into some being questions with regard to his second goal, so we can spend some time on Shabbat working through these 🙂

Also – someone else I met in the FB group did the work in Cali and has mutual friends from Advanced Ed! I invited her to join the next PSPlife and she is so pumped!

Thanks for the space, guys. For whatever reason I felt compelled to start writing in the middle of the workday and it was cathartic. Thanks for reading!

The prices we (don’t) pay

I feel so much better today than I did last blog day or last weekend. It’s crazy how circumstances go up and down and emotions go up and down (sometimes those two are connected and sometimes not!) – and hence why I like the phrase ‘this too shall pass.’ As some of you have pointed out, it’s OK to be sad – and I agree – but of course, I feel more myself when I’m not.

This was a good week chock full of good activities – self defense with Mara (confronted my fear! Thanks Mar), some good time with friends, exhilarating walks in the slowly-turning-nice weather, and PSPLife happy hour tonight.

For my joy goal, I talked things through a bit with my small group, and when I started building my ‘joy list,’ I realized it was different than a fun list, or a bucket list. Fun is good too, but in this cycle I’m focused on joy – which is more of a feeling than an experience. When I started to create my list of things that bring me joy I noticed they tend to relate to certain feelings or ways of being – connection with people, relaxation, indulgence, gratefulness. Things I mentioned in my PSP like sunshine, walks in the park, chilling in our new garden (!) and trust me – if it were easily accessible – walks on the beach. Other things like parties, one-on-one connection with friends, date nights with Hadar. Real Simple (the magazine) and my three Jennifer Weiner books currently checked out of the library. Coffee in the morning with hazelnut creamer. My purple orchid. Moments of quiet in the evening. The list essentially represents my life of straddling the line between extrovert and introvert. I get tons of energy from being with people, laughter, playing games etc. But I also CRAVE quiet relaxation. So now I have a list and get to use it! (and build on it – would love to hear others’ elixirs of joy.

Interestingly, meditation (my second goal) did not make it on my joy list. I don’t know if I haven’t found inherent joy yet in my experience, or if I’m still judging it/getting used to it, or maybe it’s just not about joy for me. It may be about peace, or clarity, or patience – or nothing.  But I’m doing it – in varying ways – and I’ll reflect as I go.

Today I had a huge accomplishment, though, and not related to my goals. In fact, if I had had a goal in this area (finance) like Emileah or Josh I probably wouldn’t have done it. But for some reason, Hadar and I randomly launched into a 2-hour session last night reviewing our finances and doing some planning. (I think I successfully convinced him to sell our stock in General Electric and invest in Facebook instead!).

That session last night led me to spend an hour today – just a single hour! – getting on top of financial tasks I had avoided for YEARS. Like literally – I called a bank about an account I closed in 2010 to check on something lingering. And I salvaged a money market account that had about $1,400 in it that I barely knew about – they literally had sent me notices for years, apparently, and it wasn’t until I read the most recent one last night that I noticed it said – we haven’t heard from you in 3 years and will be closing your account!

I also set things up to enroll in my 401K next week (after I hit my 90 day mark at my job – which I didn’t know was the benchmark until I looked into it today), called to roll over my last 401K, and set up my flex spending for next year. I’m appreciating having certain benefits that I wasn’t able to get at small nonprofits over the years.

It got me thinking about the way we talk in the training about the prices we pay. Granted, we’re generally talking about prices way beyond $1,400 – we talk about paying prices in our life like giving up our freedom, connection, ambitions etc when we make certain decisions or – more often – avoid certain things. That’s why the money conversation about enrollment in the training is not the hard part for me. As I say, you literally cannot put a price on creating something like freedom in your life. or stepping into your power, or accessing your vulnerability. Or being your word. I’ll never forget Kathy looking someone in the eye and saying ‘if you get NOTHING else from this training but committing to being your word, it’ll be worth every penny you spend.”

But almost paying the price on stupid things like letting bank accounts close, or forgoing a company match on my retirement fund – is also pretty significant. I hereby commit to stay on top of my mail/paperwork by handling incoming items within a week!

I’m loving the momentum, energy and hardcore authentic integrity in this cycle, and I’m feeling how much so many of us are on fire as a result. To a good week/end!

Blergh

Blergh. All was going swimmingly in my first week of the cycle. My goals are focused on joy and peace, essentially. Not because I’m not a joyful or peaceful person, but because as of late things have felt heavier and I wanted to be intentional about infusing it back into my life. Similar to the concept of our contract – focusing on those qualities that we have and feel but are sometimes hidden…our diamond within the rough, as they say.

So why the blergh? Because the IVF journey continues to go up and down, and even when it’s not a part of my PSP, of course it’s a part of my PSP, because PSP is life! (Though we spent a few hot seconds arguing about the name of PSPLife in cycle 2 or 3, I think it reflects its reality beautifully). It’s a journey, and the way I feel goes up and down both physically and emotionally. Recently I’ve started to feel a bit better emotionally though not physically, ironically. (Often it’s the opposite). And today things took another down in the form of a call with my doctor. At 2:30 in the afternoon, sitting at my desk. Nothing awful, I’m not sick, and thank god i work in a culture where, when my boss walked in a few minutes after I hung up and I was wiping the tears from my eyes, I was able to let her know I had a hard call with my doctor. Because she knows what’s going on and is super supportive.

So, blergh. This too shall pass and I’m thankful for this community and for my goals to get me through it. Excited to start brainstorming a joy bucket list this weekend as well as starting to plan our vacay. We have a mini vacay coming up in May that is a great thing to look forward to also.

And – I know I’m a dork – but I really truly have fun at work and gain a lot of joy and stimulation from it. So that’s huge. There’s a great quote that says “Don’t pick a job with great vacation time. Pick a career that doesn’t need escaping from.”

(An alternate version of this quote is….’pick a LIFE that doesn’t need escaping from’…that speaks more broadly to doing the work and taking ownership of your life).

My second goal is meditation as a means to create peace and patience. Meditating inherently pushes me to be patient, to get comfortable with stillness and quiet and to be patient with myself when my mind wanders…and wanders…and wanders. At this point I’ve probably meditated, or attempted to meditate, fewer than 15 times in my life. I’m new at it, and I haven’t done it consistently. I know that it probably takes 30 days to create a practice and a habit. That’s why I took it on as a goal! And beyond the practice forcing me to be more patient in the moment, the goal is that it also makes me more patient in life by clearing the mind.

The other day I was waiting for the elevator to go down to the laundry room. The elevators were slooowww and nowhere near my floor, and it took every ounce of will power not to run back into my apartment and get my phone, just to give me something to do and fidget with. How crazy is that, that I can’t go 5 minutes with just nothing to do but wait for the elevator? So I pushed the will power and skipped the phone. Small steps.

After spending the last few hours stuck on one project and repeatedly pushing off workblocks on my calendar for other projects, I think I may need to call it a night. Some days are harder to focus than others!

Happy cycle 10, friends. This is my 10th first blog of the cycle! Amazing!