A bust

I have no idea where the week went! It’s kinda a blur. I just know I was lethargic. I am not sure I accomplished much at all – school, work, baby, etc. It’s not even that I can tell you what I did do when I wasn’t working towards those priorities.

This is a kinda a bummer. Perhaps I am tired and burnt out and my body/mind is just sending me a sign? It’s just begging for a break? Vacation, anyone?

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Losing energy but keeping this up

Last past week I was thinking a lot about my life in general. I feel I’m not doing much to really change and do what I want. While I’m doing the same things time is flying and it never will be back which made me feel anxious.

Im very grateful for what I have and I’m proud for who I’m, but I expect more for myself and it’s when I feel frustrated and stuck.

During this last month, I have been meeting and connecting with new people and I feel lucky about that and it keeps me up.

I did practice yoga and I feel great when I do. I bought a sewing machine and I’ll start working in my place with my bags. However I’m far from completed my goals to end of this cycle.

Thanks everyone for sharing your progress, they inspire me to keep going.

Life’s on the Road

I’m now approaching 7 straight days on the road. Currently in Marina Del Rey, I also spent time in Hollywood and Santa Monica. Things get a little tough to focus when I travel. I’ve struggled with consistency, even with my martial arts. The one thing I have embraced is the new affirmation I shared with last week. It’s been very grounding and I have seen many positive things happening since I started it. That said, I fallen behind in my practice of the next chapter of the Master Key System. I did complete the chapter, however I did not practice the exercise, which is really important element of the book.

Moving on to my credit, I’ve noticed a huge fluctuation between the different credit organizations. Well it’s gone up over 700 on one app and close to 700 in one of the major reports, at 687, two other reports show it as only 645. And I’m still waiting to hear back on the credit card that I applied for, which oh by the way, showed up on my credit report. It’s kind of cool to know that stuff happens.

Came Through Trippin

Anyone else ever just sit back and trip out on their life?

Solo retreat was healing, and hard, and needed. It was interesting because there were so many obstacles for me getting there. Down to being stung by a bee for the first time while I was driving the wavy mountain road to my solo cabin. It reminded me of sticking to my commitments. I was clear that all these obstacles were tests of how badly I wanted to be there. I could’ve turned around several times. But I was clear I needed to be on retreat.

It was beautiful to be with myself so intimately and enjoy my own company. I did a lot of really good meditation practice. Worked with my mind. I felt a much more integrated sense of truly accepting moment to moment as is.  I practiced yoga on a deck overlooking a valley.  I danced naked under the full moon. Also cooked for myself really delicious food.  I did a sound healing on grief and allowed myself to wail. I was surprised by my capacity for joy in this retreat. At one point I woke myself up from a nap laughing. I’m realizing that the more I make space for grief, allowing myself to feel it fully when it comes up, the more I have a capacity for joy! Also I felt restless and bored. I noticed my addiction to social media. I realize it’s often a way for me to disconnect from my body. But also it gives me a strong sense of community and it’s so entertaining. And it’s all information if we choose to take it gently. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to feel happy all the time. I just get to practice being content with what is.

I feel myself avoiding writing about my goals. I’m not sure why. I’ve done good work this week. I think I’m feeling some fear around launching my fundraising campaign tonight. I said I would do it yesterday but was working through some trauma stuff that came up in a relationship, so decided it was kinder to myself to leave it for the next day. But see now it’s the next day and I still don’t want to to do it. I’m making myself really vulnerable to people. What if it doesn’t work? What if people don’t want to support me? What if some people judge me? What if…. I can go on for a while. Welp, I’m gonna do it anyways. Right after I post this I am going to launch my campaign and break my heart open to my community. What a trip.  Send me love!

P.S. I hope some of ya’ll get that Cardi B reference from the title

Week Five – ChelseaNovah

I had a really great audition this week on Wednesday. I experienced myself as prepared, light and joyful, committed and unattached. It has been a beautiful gift to witness myself doing whatever it takes and confidently doing my part in getting these roles. So far, with all four auditions that I have had, I have surprised myself by how far I’ve stretched to complete what was asked of me. I am proud, and I see that I am growing.

I think in one of my last blogs I wrote about doing whatever it took to prepare for an audition and the person never showed up to audition me. Well, last night I had to do a complicated self tape which was three scenes that I was nervous I was not going to complete on my own. Four of my friends unexpectedly showed up to be my co-actors and to do the taping for me. We had SO much fun together – I don’t think I have ever laughed that hard. I truly felt supported and valued. I had three beautiful scenes to submit and I felt confident and so excited that it had worked out so perfectly. Fast forward to Sunday morning…. my phone crashed and I lost everything from the last two weeks including the videos that we took to submit for the audition. I was shocked and kind of devastated.

I let myself be sad about it for a little while and then surrendered to the thought that after everything that we did to make it happen, to have it still not happen, it just wasn’t meant to be, and I called my agent to let him that know I would not be submitting anything.

One of the things that I noticed yesterday while I was frantically trying to figure out how to fix my phone and to get the videos back was that I had a “fuck it” moment where I ate three pastries. While I am still aiming for a mostly vegan lifestyle, I’m not super strict with myself and really just try to practice intentional, intuitive eating. So I was able to see how when I am feeling badly for myself I sometimes try to fix it or temporarily make myself feel better with sugar and it never works. I don’t feel guilty about it, but I would like to learn to make choices that aren’t hurting my body, especially now that I am beginning to be able to feel and have awareness of how certain things affect me.

Still plugging away at the goals… 🙂

 

Thankful

  • This week I paid a student loan off and we have begun doing major changes in the way we pay things. It is really exciting to combine our income because we not have a new paycheck coming in every week that allows us to pay off debt. This gets us excited and it allows us to see progress pretty quickly. Honestly I never thought I would be doing this but and this is much bigger than the goals I had put on my psp. I am happy that my psp led me to this moment and has caused this much change in my finances.
  • I have decided to stop worrying about the guitar goal. Honestly right now all I want to focus is on the finance goal

Unsatiated

I could definitely be ‘playing’ harder. While I’m taking steps in a number of directions, I’m not running like every moment matters. I’m not chasing after enlightenment in the way that the drowning person wants to breathe. Instead, I’m settling for mediocrity, something that I allowed to worm its way back into my life.

I have a good idea though which domain I permitted its entry, and why. I recall being unhappy, though feeling I had few good options, and thought I was choosing the least evil and for the best of reasons.

That said, the drift acts swiftly; I now find myself pushing against a resistance of my own creation, even against the tasks, goals, and objectives that I’ve set for myself & even when they bring a sense of pleasure and relaxation, such as reading before bed.

Fortunately, while I don’t know what I don’t know, in this circumstance, I do know what I need to do to turn things around: I need to be my word. I need to reconnect with my buddy for a real call, since last week’s brief touching base didn’t count. I need to finish following through on things with Naomi and with finances. I need to leverage my network, and I need to open a few books every day.

Best yet? All of those ‘need tos’ above are really get tos. I get to do all of that to create the life that I want.

Not just me, btw, but something that we all get to do, with another 2 weeks to the cycle we all have the opportunity to finish strong.