Last one (this time)

As I sit down to write my last blog post of the cycle (at least it’s on time!), I am looking at many of my fellow Lifer’s blog posts. Many of us are focusing on what they didn’t do this cycle, and how their goals were not met. People, embrace what you/we DID do!

There are several goals I did not complete this cycle, but let me focus on the positive:

  • I completed 2 consecutive cleanse days (fasting) this week, and lost a total of 5 lbs.
  • I worked out with my BF after Thanksgiving and felt great
  • I went to yoga nearly every week and already signed up for a class next week
  • I have been working out more consistently than I have in the last 3 months, even if it was only 1-3 times a week
  • I’ve realized I need to either pay for some gym or class membership to help me be accountable and motivated to work out. And I’ve done some research and made some calls this week to figure out what the best option is for me, with my impending out-of-state move…

I know I’ve had my challenges this cycle, but it’s been a great experience nonetheless. I look forward to connecting and growing with more of you in future cycles!

I’ll miss you all on Sunday- sadly, I’m stuck working this weekend. Hugs!

 

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Last blog

I’ve been sort of dreading writing this because I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything this cycle. I didn’t get anywhere with My fitness goal and the same goes for my financial goal. The biggest obstacle for me was the adjustment to starting my new job. As this cycle comes to an end I feel disappointed but also at peace with myself. Usually I would be very self critical of myself for not having been more committed. Instead I’ve allowed my self to rest and focus on adjusting at work. I am starting to get use to the routine and hopefully once this happens I can begin taking other things on. I’m trying to walk a fine line between adjustment and self acceptance and being motivated.

Endings and Beginnings

I just arrived home from Richmond, VA where I spent the day meeting the team at my new job. Not only was everyone super nice, but I was also relieved to find out that they are very much committed to harm reduction. It seems the company has really shifted to focus on helping existing users switch to reduced risk products and is no longer targeting people who have never used, which was a major concern I had going in. I’m feeling really good about this new role.
On a less happy note, I saw the guy again this week and though I had a nice time, I am really struggling with the fact that I’m just not attracted to him. I SO want to be into him because he is so sweet and communicative and seems like he would make a wonderful partner but I just can’t force a desire that isn’t there. I keep hoping that attraction will develop over time but on this last date, I was totally in my head, thinking about how I want to want to kiss him but I don’t actually want to. Kissing him felt like a should, which clearly is not good.
It has been 4 dates and I want to complete the 5 date stretch but I also feel strongly that I am prolonging the inevitable. I am supposed to go to his sketch comedy show on Saturday night and his mom is in town so I would be meeting her. I don’t feel good about going. He also asked me for plans for Monday and has even mentioned planning something for New Years. I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns but I also don’t want to keep seeing someone I’m not into just to prove that I can hit the 5 date mark. I’m open to feedback on this so please feel free to chime in.
As for my meditation goal, I have mediated twice every day of this cycle and am feeling great about it. I am really proud of myself. I notice that when I am in a cycle of PSP life, I am much more intentional with my actions. In between cycles, it’s easy to skip a day here and there bc I did not commit to anyone that I wouldn’t. I know how much meditation grounds me, so I get to make a commitment to myself that I will continue to meditate twice a day even without the structure of the cycle.

Wrapping up

Hmm, remember last week I was thankful for my health? I mean….I still am overall, but I got an awful bug for the last 24 hours, following last week’s staph infection, and the eye infection the week before. UGH. I am finally starting to feel a bit better. Just awful timing because I am in Dallas for work.

I don’t have much energy right now so this will be a short and sweet last post. I created abundance tonight after walking around for 20 minutes trying to find something to eat that wouldn’t kill me, I finally ordered room service breakfast style! Granted, it’s easier to justify paying $8 for a bagel and cream cheese when the client is paying, but I took on the aura of abundance – in this case, being comfortable receiving what otherwise feels over the top – for the last 24 hours. Complete with taking advantage of staying at the Ritz and being able to ask them to bring me Tums, dry clean my blazer, etc. I’m telling you people, i do NOT live like this typically. I’m not gonna say I mind it though…

I don’t really know what to make of my abundance goal. It didn’t have a clear linear path, and I’m a linear person. That’s why being goals are hard for me, because they don’t generally follow logical paths! But I learned a good amount about myself with this goal, and have a feeling I’ll be bringing it back in a later cycle, perhaps in a different form.

Fashion/appearance goal was awesome!! It feels like one of the few goals I took on that I created enough traction to keep going post this cycle. I just got into a good groove of certain daily rituals, but the biggest piece was finding my FB group and the fashion challenge! When we put things into the universe, often the universe produces what we’re looking for!

Thanks all. This is a fantastic group of people. I’d love to take a step back and see if we’re doing everything we can to create the community of support we want. I know I felt a bit less engaged this cycle and I heard that from others too. But I know we have enough of an incredible foundation here to stay strong. Love you all!

End of Cycle Check-in

I’m afraid this is going to be a rather utilitarian post this week, even though it’s the end of the cycle and I’d like to be more reflective. I’m on a business trip and am writing this post in a hotel room before heading off to a full day of talking, after which I know I’m going to be wiped and not in the mood to write. And I want to be my word.

Looking back on the goals I committed myself to, I think I did a decent job, though in no way did I accomplish all that I wanted. My husband and I created a budget together, I worked with my friend to complete paperwork so I can help him with his business in the future and earn additional cash, and I am almost finished drafting my will and other related documents (power of attorney, health care directive, etc.) – they’re written but need to be reviewed and signed in front of witnesses.  I also reduced my spending somewhat.

On the creating fun in my marriage front, we did go on several dates, including a really nice anniversary dinner last weekend. We spent quality time with the kids and with a few different friend groups. I didn’t host the dinner party I’d hoped to, but another friend did, and my husband and I will host one in January.

I’m disappointed in myself for not tackling two tough conversations with my husband, one relating to whether to pursue child support enforcement, and the other related to my husband’s depression. We danced around these topics, and we know we need to discuss and make some decisions, but we didn’t make time to really delve into them. I’m a pleaser, and I get very uncomfortable with conflict, and I dread these conversations because there are no easy answers. But if my marriage is to stay strong I know we need to talk about the tough stuff, and I commit to doing just that.

I’m really grateful to have had the opportunity to participate in this cycle of PSP Life. Even though I didn’t achieve all of my goals, there’s no doubt I made more progress toward them than I otherwise would have, because I was intentional. I also appreciate the feedback and support so many of you provided. You’re a great group of people and I’m privileged to know you. Thank you and see you this weekend!

New Beginnings

This has been a cycle full of twist and turns for me. I started out wanting to do this and found out that it was something else I needed to do.

I am happy to say, that my pain has subsided and the numbness is at twenty percent from one hundred percent. I learned to listen to my body, and rest when I need to. I have learned to apply my physical therapy exercises and yoga posses, and it made such a huge impact on my life. Not functioning at one hundred perfect, but I have the tools I need to get there.

I did lose some fat, I honestly don’t know how much but most of my size twelve pants are too big.

So, why am I experiencing anxiety and sadness. I’m feeling extremely stagnant. Well, for one thing my life is a fucken mess in my life. Yes, my life is a fucken mess. My marriage is in the toilet, my children are going through hell, they are in a state of stagnation. And, the only thing I’ve been doing is shopping and spending money that I should be saving. I’m extremely unorganized, I have so much clutter in my life, it’s starting to rear its ugly head. Who, am I kidding the head burst a long time ago.

My vision for myself is to be single and free living my life the way I see fit. I don’t want to be in a committed relationship. I have a long to do list and being in a relationship is last on that list. I feel like I’ve given too much of myself and I have nothing left to give. I get extremely emotional just thinking about it. And, the only thing that comes to mind if not now when?? What am I sourcing for my sons and daughter. Especially my daughter, who is probably experiencing me as someone who is weak. I probably just made that up.

Thankfully, I’m leaving for Peru in January, to go on my spiritual retreat. When I return, I will be cleaning house.

I’ve throughly prepared myself for this trip. And, I am very clear on my intentions for what I’m seeking from this healing journey.

It’s time for new beginnings, I desperately need a new beginning. I have a huge desire to evolve again. I have a feeling it’s going to be huge for me, which is probably where the anxiety is coming from. The sadness is letting go. Letting go of the old Deborah and embracing the new, free, best of myself. Letting go of the one person that I wanted to grow old with. And, it’s ok, it really is.

1 week left

My semester ends next Wednesday. On Monday I submitted a ten page paper and a twelve page paper. On Tuesday I submitted a ten page paper. Today, Wednesday, I had an exam. I have a project (an analysis of Disney’s business model) next Wednesday.

I’ve been getting positive feedback from friends and family for working hard this semester. I do credit myself for my grit and diligence, but it always feels bitter-sweet.

Today in class, I was the last student to finish an exam. It took be twice as long as the average student. Being alone in that classroom reviewing my exam reminded me why I struggle to give myself credit for my hard work. I feel like it is the outcome of necessity – everything takes me longer than everyone else. It’s not that all my work results in higher quality products or that I get better grades. In fact, I risk burnout.

However, I am proud of myself for how I handled this semester. It really was some of my favorite months these past few years, even though I barely socialized (which sucked). Balancing school, work, marriage, etc. allowed me to stretch. When things got tough, I adapted. There were so few grungies. It was actually really enjoyable. I learned about organizational psychology, and more importantly, I learned about myself, and proved that I can handle more than I realized. Pretty cool.