I Am Enough

While I continue to experience ups and downs, I have felt really good about my goals this cycle. Practicing surrender and becoming a fan of myself has been challenging but also really powerful.

I had a wonderful time at adult summer camp this past weekend. I canoed, did the high ropes course, playing human hungry hippos, and learned a hip-hop dance routine that I performed with a group in the Talent/No Talent show. I met tons of cool people and just had fun.

I participated in a group video session on Monday night in something called Rapid Transformational Coaching that uses hypnosis, which was focused on the idea “I am enough.” In the beginning, the woman leading it had each of us talk a bit about our experience of “not enoughness.” She then brought us into the hypnosis, in which we were guided to talk with ourselves as a child in the house where we grew up. She had us ask our child selves if we were happy, and what happened or didn’t happen that had us feel that way. Eventually, we brought our child selves to our current home and showed them who we are now. I cried a lot during this. It was powerful and afterward, I felt really good and light. I feel it on a deeper level than in the past—I am enough.

I’m really enjoying this new writing project I’m working on. Also, I posted my service of helping people write and/or edit text messages on Fiverr, a platform on which people offer freelance services starting at $5. No one has taken me up on it yet, but I’m excited to be putting it out there. Not sure what the future of my career will look like, but for now, I’m finally enjoying the ride, and that feels good.

Moments of joy.

It’s been a week and we still haven’t fixed our apartment wifi! So tonight I got responsible and came home early, took my laptop across the street and am working at my other home, Whole Foods. This place got me through grad school!

My small group decided to do a quick check in tonight as the cycle wraps up. It still continues to amaze me how quickly we can get back into the work, connect and explore ourselves. Since our closing meeting is coming up I’ll save cycle-end reflections and just check in on the week.

It was a good week, with lots of joy/happy/fun moments again. I feel so lucky for that!! A lot of that is living in New York, I feel like, with access to social events and community and a vibrant city. I joined Hadar at a work event and had fun bonding with his (slightly nutty) colleagues, went to a night of philanthropy and saw one of my closest friends win the grand prize with tears in her eyes!, spent some beautiful hours outside with friends and margaritas, went to a pool party birthday and a crazy bar mitzvah party! It’s definitely June, and I get a ton of energy from these events.

Hadar and I also had a coffee date with a mentor of mine/ours, and it was so special. She’s smart and thoughtful and fun (she’s probably in her 60s and decided to do a triathlon to meet new people in her town) and it was nice to have such easy conversation.

And, I declared to my buddy that I would go for a jog and I did, on Sunday! the reason that was so significant for me is that it was the first jog in many many months, before the IVF cycle. I have been avoiding going since because it was painful to run (I won’t get into the gory details). But, it really didn’t hurt anything other than my legs and it was great to get out there, even for a short time. My soreness the next day was a good thing!

I also mentioned on the chat that I went low sugar this week and felt really good for 3 days – i love how a change can make me feel different in a day! Then I consciously chose to have a margarita last night (I’ve gotta get these drinks in while I can, before I have to cut them out again in a few weeks) AND to me, margaritas represent fun and summer and relaxation. Guess I get to look at other ways to achieve that 🙂

Now I feel pretty awful, to be honest – this morning I felt sick and it took half the day to feel like myself – once I was already past 2 important meetings. So I get to take better care of myself. I think it’s not just the margarita, and I look forward to feeling better hopefully tomorrow. Planning to go to bed early tonight as tomorrow is another crazy day wrapping up a really busy week.

In these last few days of the cycle, I get to find some downtime on shabbat to relax, spend some good time with friends and welcome my parents (and my patience) on Sunday! Thanks all for another amazing cycle, and looking forward to #11 (we’re well into double digits now).

 

New Territory

This week had some joyous moments – work events, birthday celebrations for the hubs, and watching a friend fulfill a lifelong dream at her Rabbinic school graduation.

I am experiencing resistance to my real estate goal. It seems as thought is evokes more themes in me than I realized such as my issues with money, obligatory feelings associated with adulthood, and dreams for the future. It’s fair to say I know my goals for next cycle.

During this past week I have also been procrastinating more than ever before. I have not been doing all my school reading and I have been doing my homework as quickly as possible. Basically, I am doing what I need to do to get by. Historically I slaved away reading every chapter one to three times, and doing my homework weeks in advance so that I would have ample time do all the research and edit it repeatedly.  Some level of this is impacting my professional work, as well.

I don’t know why I am procrastinating so much on these things and do not feel motivated towards excellence like I used to be. Maybe this state is actually healthy and before I overburdened myself? Maybe this state is a response to trying to figure out how to navigate both school and work  – I know I can’t give 100% to both so I’m giving what I need to both so that I can get the real or metaphorical ‘A’ even if it isn’t my best work?

I’m not sure I like the freedom of not being stressed all the time…and it’s coming with a great fear that I am not maximizing both opportunities – work and school – to the fullest. Maybe balancing both “well enough” and learning to be happy through the process is the best option for me? Stuff to think through…

Another cycle in the books

It was great being part of the cycle and really enjoyed my buddy Josh.  Thank Josh for reaching out and connecting with me as much as you did.

My PSP was all around my business.  When I began I was very focused on how many rentals  I would close and ads I will post.  The journey took me in a different direction and I am joined GInvestmentnt Group as a partner.  It has been two weeks in the role and things are moving.  I am still putting time into my real estate business in the city.  I have a few clients I am following up with and I partnered with another agent in the office to handle my rental leads.  What I have learned in this cycle is faith.  There have been times when I have woken up in the morning not knowing how I am going to handle it all but then I just close my eyes and trust that everything will turn out ok.  I believe that is faith.  Knowing it will happen and not knowing the how.  So far some things have been challenging but when I am up against the wall and I think shit is going to hit the fan.  The universe provides an answer.  Thank you for being part of this journey with me and look forward to seeing everyone on Sunday.

Best,

 

Juan Lozano

Week 8 – Standing for a World…

One of the things that I was thinking about today is the statement “I stand for a world that is…”  that some of us include at the top of our PSPs.  I usually don’t.

The reason I usually don’t include it is that I haven’t really connected with mine.  My version is something along the lines of “I stand for a world where individuals get to figure out what their talents are and get to contribute those talents to the world, creating passionate families, relationships and communities.”

My story has been I am still figuring out my talents, and the ones that I have kind of known about for some time – public speaking, connecting with others, communicating clearly – have gone underdeveloped and underutilized.

But after 49 days of experience of connecting with strangers and discussing our dreams and challenges, it hit me today… I am kind of doing it.  I am kind of showing up and making a small contribution to the world that I stand for.  And it feels good…ok, fantastic.

I wake up in the morning and it feels different.  I have more joy, gratitude and purpose, and the rest tends to flow.

In past cycles, a goal was not to press the snooze bar in the morning.  This cycle I don’t even think about the snooze bar.  In past cycles I have had health goals.  This cycle, I don’t need a push to do yoga or go for a run.  In past cycles I have worked on my familial relationships.  In this cycle I have made the 3 hour round trip to West Orange 3 times to spend time with my family.  Integrity had felt like a burden.  Now it feels a whole lot lighter.  (this is the first cycle where I have met my commitments regarding buddies, small group and blogging).

That is not to say that things have been easy.  It’s been hard.  But I have more openly welcomed the challenges as growth opportunities….AFGO.  And I have really appreciated all of the chances I have had to experience patience, trust and surrender.

So cycle 10, I am very grateful for all of your support and inspiration.  Thanks to you, I feel like I am starting to stand for a world.

And in that spirit I offer you the following connection formula:

“Excuse me, can I share an idea with you?  I am doing a 60 day growth challenge.  The growth challenge is that I make it my business to do at least one thing each day that contributes to my overall health and happiness.  I keep a log each day of the thing that I did.  As part of the challenge, each day I share it with a person that I don’t know.  The reason I do that is to hold myself accountable, maintain my enthusiasm and to connect with someone new.  Today that person is you.  I ask you one question.  If there is one thing that you could do today that would make your life a little bit better (it can be anything – spiritual, physical, emotional etc,) what do you think it would be?”

I would be honored if you join me 🙂

-I am blogging today because tomorrow I have a date 😉

 

Last week.

I heard this song last night, and felt really hopeful, maybe for the first time since I broke up with Jason, that I might marry someday.  It’s a beautiful song if you have a chance to listen.

Goals: 

I’ve been writing every day.  This is good and important because it’s helping me process my break up.  

Financial: I have got to choose more empowered ways of financial being. Eliane is right.  I am seeing clearly that I do not value saving.  I am consistently putting travel (4 weddings and a bachelorette party in 5 different states in 6 months).  Not sustainable. Not supporting me in my financial goal… But that’s really hard for me to turn down.  Could I have done it (I could and probably should have. I should have said, “wow, that sounds amazing, i’m so honored that you thought of me, let me think about it”, instead of “yes!”  I think it’s gotta be about intention. I want my days soaked with intention, and intentional spending.  This is not to say that I haven’t made some progress, or that having a goal to strive toward has not been helpful, but somehow I underestimated the amount of money I would be putting away.  I have set up an appointment with my uncle to create a RothIRA, which I am pumped about.  I have saved some money. I am paying off my credit card. Now I want to pick up the pace.

Last Blog

So as of today my weight was 247 lbs my starting weigh in was 276 so that comes out to be a 29 lbs weight loss! Being in PSP life has certainly helped and I appreciate all of the support from my buddy and everyone on the team.

If you haven’t noticed I missed my Sunday blog. I had alarms on phone, however this week I switched phones and I didn’t move them over. However it struck me that I didn’t remember once during Sunday about doing my blog. In all, I think it was just a reflection of how I have been feeling towards PSP life since the beginning. Although I have been successful in achieving my goal, a part of me remains very disconnected from the team and from being in contribution.

I spoke about this with my small group at our last meeting and I thought had helped me shift but in reality it didn’t. I told my self after thats meeting that I would begin contributing more but I never did. This has been something that I have been struggling with lately and I do not know how to shift it or frankly if I want to shift it. I know that when I am in contribution I am able to create more and work on a larger vision. However for some reason I don’t currently have the desire to do that. I feel bad because I feel like I’ve left some of you down by being this way during the cycle and I am sorry if I have.